Author Archives: Tom Schroeder

Bin Laden Killed by US Troops, Rumsfeld Found Dead from Autoerotic Asphyxiation

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Wide Receiver Brandon Marshall To Be Cut Twice

MIAMI – Star wide receiver Brandon Marshall may be cut twice in the span of a week. The first cut occurred seven days ago when his wife stabbed him in a domestic dispute. Several days after the incident, rumors began circulating that the Miami Dolphins would release him from the team. The move was quite unexpected considering how Marshall had been carving up the opposition last season. “The way he was knifing in between those safeties was downright impressive,” according

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Golden Age of Rap Arrives at NU 25 Years Late

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“The Rock” Revealed to be Freshman Covered in Century's Worth of Paint

EVANSTON—An investigation into the origins of the university’s most beloved landmark was sparked last month when a graduate student stumbled upon a curious article in the Daily Northwestern’s archives. Entitled “Disgruntled Freshman Freezes to Death,” the record from 1902 details the untimely demise of one Earl Worthington, a freshman who tripped into a newly-installed koi pool during a blustery October cold snap. Ellen Katz, who discovered the article while researching the mysterious origins of Dillo Day, was stunned by her

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