Author Archives: Sam Gutelle

Freshman Point Guard Misunderstands Meaning of “Pregame”

EVANSTON—David Stephens, a highly touted freshman point guard, was reported as being “shocked and confused” by a pregaming event at Bobb last Friday. Stephens was invited to the party by his roommate, Jack Vineyard, “I figured, the dude’s an athlete,” Vineyard said, “I thought he’d understand what a pregame is. I couldn’t have been more wrong.” Stephens initially seemed exuberant upon hearing of the pregame. “I told Jack I just had to grab my ball and my bag and I’d

1859 EDITION: Compromise of 1850 Deemed a Success

WASHINGTON—Congress announced today that the Compromise of 1850, passed nine years ago to help foster cooperation between the North and the South, has been “a complete success” that “will not lead to any large-scale civil wars in the near future.” The bill, which features concessions toward both pro- and anti-slavery factions, has so far been met with overwhelming approval. “Zero score and nine years ago,” said Abe Lincoln (R-IL), “we passed this awesome series of bills, and they still kick

Kanye West Interrupts President’s Convocation Address

EVANSTON—Northwestern President Morton Schapiro’s convocation address to incoming freshmen was rudely interrupted when Kanye West barged onto the stage and interrupted the speech. The well-known rapper grabbed the microphone from Schapiro’s grip and spoke to the shocked group of freshmen. “I’ve seen crazy things before, but nothing quite like this,” commented freshman John Rennault, “Who would believe that someone as fly as Morton Schapiro would be interrupted in the middle of an address?” After grabbing the mic, West did not

Brett Favre Holds Press Conference to Announce Retirement from Press Conferences

MINNEAPOLIS—Minnesota Vikings quarterback and NFL great Brett Favre held a press conference today to announce that he would no longer be conducting press conferences. “This is a hard decision for me and my family,” Brett informed the media, “but I feel I can no longer execute solid press conferences like I could in Green Bay.” Favre then began crying and stated that he would offer no further comment. The announcement came as a surprise to many, who didn’t think Favre

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