Author Archives: Scott Grindy
Ralph Nader Finishes Fourth in ASG Election
Sex Week Comes All Over NU Campus
Wait, Wait, Area Man Not Done Telling You Yet!
Paper Clip Found Mauled on Side of Road
SKOKIEâThe corpse of a local paper clip was found dead on the side of Interstate 94 late last night. The condition of the body made it difficult to recognize. After reconstructive analysis, the clip was identified as Clippy [actual name], a local office assistant. The last known photograph of the victim is shown to the left. âWhile I wonât comment on the condition of the body, I will say that he wonât be helping anyone format any outlines in the
New Student John Wilkes Booth Suspiciously Good at “Assassins”
EVANSTONâTransfer student John Wilkes Booth has been on an âAssassinsâ rampage lately, âkillingâ six targets last night with surprising cunning and skill. As the game comes down to its final players, many are calling Booth the favorite because of his sneak tactics. âHe just came out of a supply closet and hit me right between the eyes,â said Shmabraham Shmincoln, one of Boothâs victims. âIt was really creepy, now that I think about it. The whole time he had this
Oh Shit, It’s 4/20!
EVANSTONâOh shit itâs 4/20! Shit shit shit! What time is it? Holy 11:37!? That means I have … let me see … carry the three … 12 hours and 33 mi…no wait 12 hours and 24 minutes to smoke! Whereâs my stash, closet closet closet … crap itâs all gone! Must be Josh, that fucking weed-stealing d-bag, fucking stole all my fucking weed … where can I get some bud? Let me call Karl, heâll have some … connecting …
Endowment “Shrinks” in “Cold” Economy
EVANSTONâFrigid economic conditions have shrunk the size of Northwesternâs endowment, according to new reports from President Bienenâs office. University spokesman Steven Westerstein released a statement yesterday downplaying the so-called âshrinkageâ effect on NUâs performance. âWe here at Northwestern University have always felt that itâs not about the size of the endowment, but how you use it that really matters. Besides, itâs not like our endowment is that small. At least weâre still bigger than Wash U.â Northwestern student reactions were
Palin Suffering from Post-Election Tourette’s Syndrome
JUNEAU, AKâAlaska Governor and former Vice-Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin is suffering from Post-Traumatic Election Touretteâs Syndrome, say doctors at Juneau Central Medical Center. The Governor was rushed to the hospital from her hometown of Wasilla on Wednesday, January 28th and has been observation ever since. âI saw her walking down the street, and went over to give her a hello, and all she could say was âMaverick maverick 9/11 terrorist Joe sixpack.â I was so confused,â said Wasilla resident and
NU President-Elect Morton O. Schapiro Attended a Radical Madrasah as a Child
EVANSTONâIn a breaking story just reported by Fox News and confirmed by Flipside investigative journalists, Northwestern University president-elect Morton O. Schapiro has been exposed as having attended an extremist Muslim Madrasah as a child. Schapiro attended the Conway, New Hampshire-based East Parkway Elementary Madrasah from 1958 to 1963. The Madrasahâs administrators could not be reached for comment. The blogging community, on the other hand, had much to say about this latest development. â[H]es a closet [epithet deleted]!â said SecndAmendmntRulz_218 of