Author Archives: Sam Block
Chicago Weather God: “I’m Just Fucking With You”
CHICAGOâFor you, I made it seventy degrees. Now you can wear that new skirt youâve been waiting to show off since, oh, late August. I mean, seriously, that low cut is really cute and everyone is looking at you, babe. Whatâs that you say an hour later? Itâs raining and fifty? My bad. I can’t help but make it rain on them slightly flirtatious but ultimately shy NU girls. If it makes you feel better, Iâll throw in a little hail tonight.
Studentâs Facebook Mysteriously Undergoes Massive Changes All at Once
EVANSTONâAround 3:30 a.m. on Friday, Northwestern sophomore Alec Miller overhauled his Facebook, including changing his interests to men, his status to âI love the smell of dick in the morningâ and his birthday to that day. âI no we have nott spoken in monkths,â writes Miller on his ex-girlfriend’s wall, âbut my tiny dick misses you. XOXOXO.â âIâm gay now,â he posted right after. Miller also decided to rekindle relationships by starting chats with people from high school whose friend
Medill 2030 Shifts Focus to Students Pursuing Other More Profitable Careers
EVANSTONâWith newspapers more commonly used nowadays to cover up Keg-induced vomit or Stephen Demosâ tears, the Medill School of Journalism announced yesterday that it plans to alter its curriculum to keep pace with the modern world. Medill 2030 gets rid of the old stuff nobody cares about (like writing and reporting), replacing its previous curricula with accounting, biochemical engineering and lawâprofessions that actually have jobs available. âWe call it New Journalism,â explained Medill Dean Levine. âThe emphasis tends to be
Colts Win Super Bowl
Peyton Manning undoubtedly threw for 330 yards and three touchdowns Sundays as the Colts most definitely defeated the Saints.
Taco Bell Comes Out With New Seven-Layer Diet Burrito
IRVINE, CAâTaco Bell, a restaurant long associated with weight loss, has yet again revolutionized fast food diets with their new Seven-Layer Diet Burrito. “The fast in âfast foodâ stands for how quickly you will lose weight,â said now-dead Taco Bell President Glenn Bell. He died of unknown causes, though an autopsy revealed a suspicious amount of guacamole in his lungs, liver, and gall bladder. The Taco-Bells and whistles of the diet focus on each of the food groups. The Seven-Layer
Kid Who Checks Cell Phone Clearly Cooler Than You
EVANSTONâA new study by the For Research Association Today (FRAT) revealed that people who spend more time looking at their cell phone than engaging in face-to-face conversations are much more popular. âThink about it,â said Nick Kite, âWhen you talk in person you can only talk to a couple of people at once, but I have hundreds of contacts on my cell phone.â âAnd donât get me started about how many Facebook friends I haveâ added Kite. When meeting somebody
ZOMBIE ISSUE: Compassionate Zombie Exiled By Peers, Not Allowed to Play Kickbrain
Zombie 1008 has faced untold of isolation for his extremely sensitive views on brain-eating etiquette, puppy killing and zombie baptisms. âWe knew from the day he was infected he was something different,â said his blood father, #873. âWe just didnât know that different meant ‘having a heart’ instead of wanting to eat them.â 1008 likes to spend his days by the toxic green river, staring at his reflection and pondering the beauty of his molding flesh. Some have even reported that