Author Archives: Sam Block

Statistician 95% Confident He Fucked Your Girlfriend

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EVANSTON—Yesterday at approximately 9:23 p.m., senior statistics major Josh Sylvan declared in a verbal report that he in all likelihood fucked your girlfriend. “I’m a little worried about my power because I was pretty drunk,” Sylvan said. “I would really feel bad for you if I made a type two error.” The stated confidence interval is hand job< μ<three rounds of hot action on your desk, bed, and shower, respectively. “These things are tricky,” admits Sylvan. “You have to be wary

Read more Local, No. 44

Medill Innocence Project Successfully Causes Two Students to Lose Virginity

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EVANSTON—The Medill Innocence Project, one of Northwestern’s hallmark programs, is known for freeing innocent citizens from death row, but that wasn’t enough for Professor David Protess. In order to give students the breadth of experience promised in the curriculum, Protess has begun mandating that students lose their innocence in order to fully understand it. “Students can undertake this assignment a variety of ways, including reverse cowgirl,” said Protess, winner of the Puffin Institute Prize for Creative Citizenship and once voted

Read more Local, No. 43

Activities Fair Perfect Time to Brush Against Cute Girl’s Ass

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EVANSTON—This Monday, freshmen poured into Norris for the Activities Fair, a time-worn Northwestern tradition in which members of the incoming class sign away their inboxes to listserv upon listserv in exchange for free candy. The entire Class of 2013 was successfully crammed into the student center, effectively causing what administrators called “a fire code nightmare.” Some freshmen, however, decided to turn the close-quarters situation into their advantage. Casually walking past the “Germ”any Disease Association, young freshmen like Jeff Lerman moved

Read more Issue 16, Local, No. 39

NU Day at Wrigley Causes Students to Question Merits of Cubs, Fans, Life

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CHICAGO—Somewhere between Alfonso Soriano striking out and purchasing a hot dog for $6, most of the 800 Northwestern students at the Cubs-Marlins game began to wonder what the point of it all was. “Being the lovable losers is nice,” said New York native sophomore Nate Atkins of the 14-18 Cubs, who haven’t won an MLB championship since 1908. “But what are they ultimately losing?” “Nothing,” Atkins added. Tucked away in the corner of Wrigley Field—a field so steeped in tradition

Read more No. 35, Sports

Commissioner Stern Reinstates NBA Doesn’t Care Charity

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NEW YORK—Going back to the league’s roots, NBA Commissioner David Stern has replaced the NBA Cares initiative with the more accurate NBA Doesn’t Care policy. “I was tired of seeing my superstars lying to the public,” explained Stern. “They really don’t give a shit about the co How To Talk To An Ex Girlfriend You Want Back mmunity.” Gone will be the forced commercials featuring little kids smiling while tall basketball players glance awkwardly at the camera pretending that this

Read more No. 34, Sports

Mayfest, Hillel Bring Regina Spektor, Rabbi Joseph to Dillo Day

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EVANSTON—With students at Northwestern’s hea-a-a-a-a-a-rts already broken in excitement for Regina Spektor, Mayfest announced its second headliner for 2010 Dillo Day: Rabbi Joseph. Famous for songs like “Shabbat Shalom!”, “Dreidel, Dreidel,” and “Give Me a Fucking Break, Palestine,” Rabbi Joseph’s name was a hard-won prize for NU. As with Spektor, Hillel contributed a large portion of their vast funding received through various donations, matzah sales, and Ponzi schemes. At least thirty percent of campus is schvitzing with excitement; many others

Read more Entertainment, No. 33
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