Rachel Beal | Northwestern Flipside

Author Archives: Rachel Beal

[NU Spork] Six Students Try Frontera Fresco, ASG to Use 10K Initiative to Bring Chipotle

December 5, 2012 Rachel Beal Leave a comment

EVANSTON — After nearly four months of construction, Frontera Fresco, the newest addition to the epicurial cornucopia of dining options at Northwestern University’s Norris University Center, opened on Friday, November 30th. While the eatery’s nearly mythically slow completion led many students to believe it was managed by whoever put that equally mythical Einstein’s in (Tech? Pancoe? Is it even real?), it is, in fact, owned by Chicago chef and restaurateur Rick Bayless, who says he hopes to bring more upscale

Mitt Romney Buys and Bankrupts Hostess, Just to Spite Ohio

November 19, 2012 Rachel Beal Leave a comment

CLEVELAND, OH — Trans-fat gourmands everywhere mourned the loss of the Hostess Corporation on Friday when the company announced it was closing its factory doors for good. Many middle Americans, including all of the remaining Republicans in Ohio, took a break mid ho-ho bite to blame Barack and Michelle Obama for the confectionary catastrophe. “This is just another example of how Obama is bad for America,” Warren Couty resident Tammy Smith told the Flipside, brushing some cinnamon sugar off her

The Flipside’s Best Ways to Accomodate Puerto Rican Star on the U.S. Flag

November 17, 2012 Rachel Beal Leave a comment

SAN JUAN, PUERTO RICO — Puerto Rico’s majority vote for statehood this past Tuesday raised perhaps the most unsettling question of the entire campaign season. For more than fifty years, the U.S. flag has represented an achievement in both symbolism and geometry, and in that light, a 51st star could be as controversial as Obamacare. We propose here the most viable solutions to this potential configurational cataclysm: 1. Combine the Dakotas, population now about the same as New Hampshire. 2.

The Campaign in Review: Musings from Rafalca Romney

November 14, 2012 Rachel Beal Leave a comment

Not only could I have done a better job checking Paul Ryan’s math by stamping my left hoof, but I probably could have conveyed a better understanding of the American tax-bracket breakdown based on my observations of barnyard social structure.

Princess Leia Feels Awkward at Disney Princess Brunch

November 8, 2012 Rachel Beal Leave a comment

Willie the Wildcat Gains Freshman 15, Says “It’s All fur”

October 20, 2012 Rachel Beal Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Northwestern bloggers took to their Macbooks this week after photos of a noticeably fluffier Willie the Wildcat began circulating after Tuesday night’s marching band practice. While NU’s favorite feline denies he’s gained even a little bit of the freshman 15 during his 79th year at college, sorority member Katie VanHousen of Neva Eta Bagela recently tweeted one of the now infamous photos with the hashtags “#ewwwww,” “#SOGROSS,” and “#totalfatty!” “It’s just FUR!” the embarrassed mascot meowed to a

Small Town Freshmen Break Ice Too Awkwardly, Decide to Go Home

September 20, 2012 Rachel Beal Leave a comment

EVANSTON – The cutthroat Northwestern academic environment has already proved too high-stress for several members of the Class of 2016, who were sent home during Wildcat Welcome Week after several ill-conceived rounds of icebreakers. Tommy McNamara of Joplin City, Missouri, suffered a mental breakdown when he was only able to come up with two truths and no lie. “It was too weird. I guess it can be hard to come up with something under the gun like that, but still,

Creepy Friend Request Guy Actually Requesting Kidney, Nbd

May 16, 2012 Rachel Beal

SILICON VALLEY, CA — In a press conference last Monday, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced several new updates to the timeline template, the most noteworthy being a new feature which indicates whether or not the user is an organ donor. “Eighteen people around the world die each day waiting for a heart, liver, or kidney transplant,” said Zuckerberg in a press conference, “and by adding this new feature, I hope to change that. Kind of like Bono and…AIDS, right? Bono

[Graduation Issue] Graduating Engineers Recruited by NASA, Theater Majors by Starbucks

May 7, 2012 Rachel Beal

“This might come as kind of a surprise, given the rigor of the Comm curriculum,” theater major Kirk Hammill told The Flipside, “but I was actually kind of worried about finding a job after graduation.”

ABC Exec Says No Changes Necessary for New Year’s Rockin’ Eve

April 24, 2012 Rachel Beal Leave a comment

ABC STUDIOS, MANHATTAN—The entertainment community was completely unsurprised to learn this past week that broadcasting icon Dick Clark had passed away as a result of a heart attack at age 82 in his Santa Monica home. Though official records report Mr. Clark’s time of death as sometime during the morning of Wednesday April 18th, 2012, medical examiners say he actually could have died as early as January 4th, 2005, the date his last facial twitch was observed. The entertainer’s death