Area Cyber-Sleuth Finds Hot Girl from Class on Facebook
“As soon as I saw that blonde chick in the third row wearing those yoga pants, I just knew I had to figure out who she was.”
Author Archives: Michael Miller
Area Man’s Mind Closed for MLK Day
Several sources reported today that Evanston resident Gary Chambliss’ mind will be closed today in observance of Martin Luther King Jr. Day.
Electoral College Hit with Title IX Violation
The Electoral College has been found to be in violation of several Title IX statutes regarding gender equality.
Russian Hackers Successfully Log in to Caesar
The hackers were reportedly able to breach Caesar’s state of the art security measures to check their financial aid statuses, sign up for classes, and print their unofficial transcripts.
Justin Jackson Releases Tax Returns for Some Reason
His reported income includes wages from a summer job a few years ago, and that’s apparently it.
Off-Campus Party Gross, Just Fucking Gross
“It was so damn hot in there, people were sweating like pigs, and on top of all that, the beer pong balls kept landing on the mildew in the back corner.”
Incoming Freshmen Surprised by Lack of Controversy on Campus
“I think we’ll all remain friends for most of our time here. Heck, we all wear the same purple t-shirts!”
Northwestern Grad Receives Promotion at Denver-Based Firm
Siemian’s promotion means he will follow in the footsteps of many previous Northwestern graduates who also work long, intense hours in ultra-competitive, high-turnover professions.
Op-Ed: I Guess Now We Can Just Slightly Fondle Mayfest
Mayfest was already asked to endure a hardcore pounding for a whole year, so a more subtle and sensual approach could act as better positive encouragement.
Mayfest Exec Prays to Audros, Lithuanian God of Storms
Many executive board members agree that praying to the Ancient Baltic deity would be an effective way to mitigate the effects of bad weather.