Northwestern Basketball Happy to Lose by Less Than 40 Points
Author Archives: Matt Ferro
[NU Spork] Sargent Grill Line “Worse Than the DMV”
EVANSTON — Due to the seasonal decline in temperature, many students are becoming less adventurous when deciding where to go for dinner. Since everyone knows Elder sucks, the entirety of North Campus has been flocking to Sargent’s dining hall around 6PM every weeknight. The most popular of Sargent’s dining options is the grill, which, on account of its popularity, frequently has a line rivaling the 3PM Norbucks rush. McCormick sophomore Clare Sullivan declared, “Ugh, this line is worse than the
Evanston Burger King Serves First Sober Student in 20 Years
NUIT to Shut Down Caesar During Freshman Registration
Ski Trip Sign-Ups Skyrocket Following Tuesday’s Election Results
EVANSTON — Voters in Colorado passed Amendment 64 on Nov. 6, legalizing the use of recreational marijuana throughout the state. As a result, sign-ups for Northwestern’s annual ski trip to Steamboat, Colorado have significantly increased. Local experts, like Freshman stoner Graham Baker, attempted to explain the direct correlation between signing up and weed with a nifty line graph, but got distracted by his fingers as he moved them in an upward diagonal motion. Baker told Flipside reporters, “Yeah, I was
Google Self-Driving Car Gets Lost In Tech
New Student Declares Ridiculous Majors Just to Sound Smart
EVANSTON — Ramon Gonzalez, a previously an undecided Weinberg freshman, has declared a triple major in Nanoscale Physics, Mathematics, and Euphonium Performance. In addition, he has declared a minor in Chinese Language and Culture and intends to pursue the Integrated Marketing Communications Certificate from Medill. According to reports, Gonzalez chose this path in order to sound more intelligent than his peers even though he most likely is not. Ramon stated, “I was tired of going to frat parties and to
Forgetting What It Is They Do, NUCuisine Declares New “Food Day” Theme
Area Creeper Uses Dearborn Telescope to Look Through Dorm Windows
With Family Weekend Looming, Students Clean Room for First Time
EVANSTON – Approximately one month after leaving home for the first time, dozens of underclassmen have been frantically cleaning their dorm rooms for the first time ever. During their first month of college, these students have been continuously lying to their parents about their cleanliness and organizational habits, saying that college forces them to be much more on top of things than they were back home. In an attempt to sell the lie to their parents when they come to