Area Student Finally Gains Enough Experience Points to Graduate
“It was good I had the cheat code that got me an entry-level position at my dad’s consulting firm.”
Author Archives: Michael Campbell
Lakefill Rock Found Painted with Perfectly Accurate Predictions of the Future
‘I’m sure there’s more on there that we never found,’ reported Danica Jackson, SoC ’20, ‘but after we cleared off “Raccoon Hurricane 2019” and “Reagan’s Back!” we started to wonder if this was a good idea.’
Northwestern Postpones Big Game Park Due to Budget Concerns
This setback comes after the delay of the new student center, forcing Morty to try and combine funding for the two projects by seeking out a donor with an interest both in improving the student experience and hunting exotic animals.
Starting Next Quarter, Students to Be Drafted Involuntarily into One Class Per Term
“Well instead of waking up at 6:30 am to frantically add classes to my cart before they get stolen out from under me, I’m taking Engineering Fluid Mechanics,” stated Comm studies major Gerry Shilvonotrov.
Commencement Speaker Replaced with Old Man Telling Each Graduate the Date of Their Death
The man will forego the typical commencement address to the graduating class in favor of walking silently amongst the rows of sitting students, placing a pale, scarred hand on the forehead of those he selects.
Flipside Investigative Report: Where Do All the Uneaten Dining Hall Chickpeas Go?
Where do all the uneaten chickpeas go? A Qatar-based cryptocurrency is only the beginning of the story…
Northwestern to End Alchemy Program After 124 Years
After a string of recent controversies, Northwestern publicly announced that its infamous alchemy program will end not with a whimper, but with a bang. Citing an increasing number of students suffering chemical burns and various other injuries involving transmutation, Dean of Phrenological Studies and Alchemy Zanzar Pralzaban announced the cessation of the storied program in a press release delivered by three-eyed falcon. “We are sad to say we will go away,” Pralzaban said, reading directly from the release at a
“This One’s for You Grandma” Says Grandson Snorting Line off Coffin
“This one’s for you grandma!” Blake yelled tearfully, emptying the contents of a dime-bag onto the polished teak and ripping a fat line off of his grandmother’s final resting place.
Op-Ed: I Like the Cold But I Wouldn’t Let My Daughter Date It
I’m not paranoid calling a shoveling service when I see snow piling up in my driveway I just don’t think it belongs in my community.
Circle of Raccoons Around Rock Definitely Up to Something
“Something about how they’re rubbing their little hands together synchronously, after a new raccoon joins the circle every sixth minute, just really freaks me out,” said Steven Kasmer, WCAS ’18.