Per University policy, a travel advisory is in effect for large portions of the frat quad. Students are warned that accepting any free merchandise may result in violence. Last week, Trent Chadwick, WCAS ’21, was found stripped and bound outside of SPAC with a crude mountain range spray painted on his chest.
In an effort to make STEM fields more relatable, faculty within the Chemistry department set-up a live stream of the Chem-132 final for 2 minutes before Twitch staff were inundated with horrified requests to end the stream. The live feed of students struggling to finish the final quarter of the general chemistry sequence was immediately flagged as graphic/violent content and Northwestern computers have been banned from using all Twitch streaming services.
In light of recent events and the current political climate, Southern landmark, Big Al’s Guns and Lemonade, has announced a controversial decision to ban the sale of all firearms to all people younger than 14. Viewed by some critics as bending to political pressure, Big Al himself announced that lemonade sales will still be unrestricted despite the new firearms policy. “I find this here new regulation to be classic liberal bullshit propaganda,” stated Chuck Horowitz, a 14-year-old high school freshman.
“I genuinely believed he was asking me to proofread a short horror story for a good 30 minutes,” said Career Advisor Kerry Phillips.
“We are honored to present Bandit ‘the Outdoor Roomba’ with this degree,” stated university President Morton Shapiro, “this little trash thief is singlehandedly reducing each of our carbon footprints and we feel it’s time to recognize his achievements.”
“We wanted to distance ourselves from this debate over work culture and proper mental care to focus on what we think the university really stands for. Money.”
“He needs the sun to raise his body temperature to the optimal algorithm-writing temperature.”
Celebrating the end of a successful college career full of lifelong friendships and treasured experiences that will never be forgotten, a lucky student has had their hard work rewarded by landing the one job that combines both their passion and career goals. Unfortunately, it was not you.
According to the person you think you know well enough to commit in advance to sharing a room with, the coming and going of the drones gathering pollen shouldn’t bother you.
The picture, taken by a photographer they hired after you moved out and stopped freeloading, shows your parents’ smiling faces more animated and in love than you’ve ever seen them