Dining Halls Excited to Serve Same Old Shit
“When Stephen Colbert walks into one of our dining halls, he needs the assurance that every single one of the $66,000 he pays to his son’s tuition is put to good use.”
Author Archives: Louis Danowsky
“Trumpet,” Answers Bienen Student Before Being Asked
Jozek attributed the outburst to two weeks of being asked by other Bienen students what instrument he played.
Bienen Prof Releases “Best ‘Kidz Bop 33’ Tracks to Make Love To”
Austern notes that Justin Timberlake’s “Can’t Stop the Feeling” is especially good for older adults, writing, “the kids’ voices get so high and shrill, it’ll make it feel like your own kids are in the room with you!”
SOFO Announces Mandatory 2-Week Leadership Retreat in Montana Wilderness
According to SOFO, the goal was to find a location inaccessible by road or other conventional forms of transportation.
Op-Ed: I’m in Bienen and McCormick is Too Hard
The other major reform I would suggest is that McCormick split its “Whole Brain Engineering” program into academic courses of study into Right Brain and Left Brain Engineering…Right Brain engineers wouldn’t need to learn any of that math shit, while Left Brain engineers would be exempt from DTC or any other course that involves communication with another human being.
Arthur Butz Plays Two Truths, One Historical Lie with AEPi
[Butz] proceeded to play a game of Two Truths, One Lie that turned into a dogmatic rebuttal to all common knowledge about the Holocaust, to the increasing discomfort of the Fraternity members.
Trump Nominates Penis for Secretary of Agriculture
The truly unpresidented move comes as a surprise for the country, though it is not unusual considering his string of cabinet nominations that seem to involve people whose beliefs represent the opposite of the jobs to which they were appointed.
Op-Ed: Northwestern Needs to Eliminate the Daily
“I get a lot more of my news from uncomfortable urinal conversations when I decide to pee adjacent to another dude in an empty restroom than I do from the Daily.”
Northwestern Student Body Headed Straight to Hell
“I think I saw the mad glint of their god’s eye today. His shriveled white prophet made it explicit when he condemned me to hellfire lest I repent. Those are damn convincing words.”
Frisky Freshman Pledges to Go “Meatless” on Mondays
“This could definitely do me some good. My jaw gets very sore from handling meat so often.”