Op-Ed: You driving while having a “baby on board” has nothing to do with me
The other day when I was driving and intently studying the bumper stickers on the car in front of me, I saw my least favorite sticker of all time.
Author Archives: Kyra Lesmerises
Trump Repeals Two-Gender Executive Order After Mistaking “DogMan” For The New Third Gender: “Now That Sounds Cool.”
And while Trump vows to devote his time in office to taking away the rights of the LGBTQ+ community, Trump says he fervently supports the D (as in Dog) community.
Bella Thorne To Star In New Badminton Movie, “Opponents”
Thorne says she will do a lot of research, including finding out what exactly badminton is.
Ask Flippy: Do you think Damian Lillard says “It’s Dame Time” before he has sex?
Dear Flippy, After watching Damian Lillard win the NBA All-Star 3-Point Contest for the second straight year, a burning question came over me. He’s always introduced with the phrase, “It’s Dame Time!” and then he points at his wrist accordingly. It’s cool, it’s fun, whatever. But I began to think about its real life applications. I’ve heard that Lillard is as clutch in the sheets as he is on the court. Thus, do you think he says, “It’s Dame Time!”
NFL Prepares to Celebrate MLK Day by Changing Signature Endzone Phrase “End Racism” to “End Racism NOW!”
For Roger, the changes weren’t quick enough. The fans were changed – some of them even got the phrase tattooed – yet it was clear: racism still existed. First, they thought maybe they should change the font – would comic sans be more eye-catching? Then, maybe the color – was it problematic the words were painted in white?
As Winter Approaches, Republicans Go Feral, Licking Their Lips And Frothing At The Mouth, Ready To Say “Merry Christmas” Instead Of “Happy Holidays”
Most people venture to Target to buy holiday decorations or an artificial tree. But for Ted Cruz, he goes there to destroy all the “Happy Holiday” mugs.
After Success Of Barbenheimer, Studios Prepare For Next Creation: “Bratz-Jong Un”
“We have much more in store,” the studios commented, “including a limited-edition Kim Jong Un Bratz doll with matching missile accessories.”
“This Is My Dream School It’s Sooo Beautiful Here,” Class Of ’27 Commit Posts On Snapchat After Taking Picture Of A Particularly Nice Path
“This is my dream school it’s sooo beautiful here,” incoming Weinberg freshman Meadow Deering posted to her Snapchat, accompanied by a photo of a particularly nice path next to Norris.
Northwestern Student’s Unique Accommodation: “I’m Allergic To Any Dorms That Don’t Rhyme With Kincoln Or Lemper”
Northwestern prides itself on being very accessible and accommodating students’ needs, no matter what they are. However, one student’s recent accommodation has administration racing to research this unique condition. “I’m allergic to any dorms that don’t rhyme with Kincoln or Lemper,” a rising sophomore claimed. The student further explained that he needs to be placed in dorms that specifically fit this designation, or else there would be serious consequences. “I would probably spontaneously combust,” the student said, when asked what
Op-Ed: I Found Out Dance Marathon Wasn’t An Actual Marathon AFTER Doing The Cha-Cha Slide For 26.2 Miles
It wasn’t easy. Sometimes, I felt my elbows revert to jogging elbows. But I re-focused and got back into my rhythm every time. I had some other struggles when I reached Chicago, such as bumping into people when I followed the lyrics of “slide to the left.” I felt self-conscious when I had to clap my hands in rapid succession – people definitely stared. Yet, through all those trials and tribulations, I persevered. When I completed those 26.2 miles, I cried tears of joy.