Rowling Pens Final Installment: Harry Potter and the Custody Feud
And you thought “all was well” meant happily ever after.
Author Archives: Jordan Villanueva
A Modest Proposal (for the Heating of the Evanston Area)
Guest columnist Jonathan Swift proposes a simple and effective solution to Chicago winters: student bonfires.
Local Girl Wears Balaclava, Looks Surprisingly Spectacular
A well-informed fashionista with her own fashion tumblr, she was aware of the stigma surrounding the garment. However, for once in her damn life, she decided her safety was more important than fashion.
Daily Northwestern Uncovers Daily Northwestern Hazing Scandal
From paddles to keg-stands, boxing to nudity, and interviews with Mayor Tisdahl to covering Northwestern Football, it seems the directors of The Daily stopped at nothing to torture their new reporters.
Candy Crush Makers Trademark “Candy,” Thousands of Topless Dancers “So Fucking Pissed”
Candi, Candee, and Kandy were fined for violations as well.
Latest in ‘Personal Bubble’ Epidemic: Pennsylvania Outlaws Rubbing Pregnant Bellies
This new law is only one in an epidemic of legislation protecting your personal space at the expense of your freedom to give your younger siblings noogies.
Crack-Selling Sophomore Changes DM Fundraising Tactics
“The thing with drugs is that they get old after a while. People want something new and exciting. That’s where I got my next idea.”
Encouraging Evidence Suggests Most College Athletes Can Read
Last week a research study actually discovered something positive about the world, delighting many. After months of research, a CNN team proudly announced that some college athletes read at an elementary school level.
Hinman Power Outage Results in Social Media Isolation, Deaths
January 5 escalated into full-scale madness in 1835 Hinman. The Hinman Hunger Games, as residents are calling it, have claimed sixteen lives so far and the death toll is only rising.
Sophomore Sells Crack to Fundraise for Dance Marathon
McClaren packaged his product and took it to the outlying neighborhoods of Chicago, where he sold it to other dealers, homeless addicts, and several mayors of various Canadian cities. He used a portion of the profits to fund the production of the next batch and the rest went to his DM fund.