Northwestern Athlete Makes Invaluable Contribution to Discussion Section
“He gave such an outstanding insight into our topic that I immediately felt guilty about all of the times I devalued his academic worth.”
Author Archives: Jordan Villanueva
ASG Announces Winter Quarter Funding Allocations
After conspicuously embezzling large portions of the money, the ASG Student Groups committee has announced its funding allocations for the next quarter.
Searle Health Center Well-Prepared for Ebola Outbreak
“We assure you that every staff member has read the WebMD article about Ebola not once, but twice,” Hannigan stated.
Prospie Wears UChicago Sweatshirt on Tour, Chaos Ensues
Weinberg senior Julia Zorn, Huff’s tour guide, was so distracted she only reminded her group that Northwestern is a “world-class institution” eight times instead of the required nine.
ASG President Julia Zorn Plans World Domination
While campaigning for ASG President last year, Zorn listed her political inspirations as Kim-Jong Un, Joseph Kony, and “that evil woman in Ghostbusters.”
OPINION: I Could Husk Corn at the Age of 3
When I was three years old, my Pa-Paw handed me a bucket of corn and told me to get to work. I’d never done this before, but three-year-old me picked it right up.
Canadian International Student Doesn’t Give a Shit About Your Obama Stories
Colby told reporters. “I don’t feel like I should get excited about the leader of a country inferior to mine, eh?”
Freshman’s Room Robbed by New Friends
Before leaving, she informed her floormates that her door was unlocked so they were welcome to go in and get some of her mom’s “famous peanut butter cookies.”
[Small Town Issue] OPINION: Big City Just Too Big
The waiter brought us an appetizer that he called something like “Eddie-Mommy.” I looked over at Don and said, “By the stars, he’s trying to feed us soybeans!”
US Secretary of Problem Solving Proposes Obvious Solution to Floods, Fires
When a vicious tiger escaped from a zoo and terrorized local neighborhoods, the obvious solution was to build a tall fence around the area where the tiger was roaming.