Chris Christie Drops Campaign, Picks up Sandwich
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie recently announced that he will be dropping his presidential campaign and picking up a sandwich.
Author Archives: John Klafta
Hoverboards, Wheelchairs Banned from Dorms
The decision was made after administrators concluded that any wheeled vehicle would be hazardous to students.
Willie the Wildcat: I’m William Now
“I felt that all the running on the football field and high-fiving everyone in sight was just a bit too childish for me. I believe it’s time to focus on more serious things.”
Area Pothead Disappointed to Learn Meaning of “Bowl-Eligible”
Sources confirmed that area pothead Sean Elvin, SESP ’19, was gravely disappointed to learn the real meaning of a “bowl-eligible” football team.
Sexy Morty Costume for Sale at Norris Bookstore
Multiple sources confirmed today that a Sexy Morty Schapiro costume is being sold at The Norris Center Bookstore as part of its Halloween promotion.
Midterm Wine-and-Dines Student Before Fucking
News broke out today that a Chem 210 midterm allegedly wine-and-dined local Chemical Engineering major Tom Vogel, MEAS ’19, before relentlessly fucking him over.