Author Archives: Jay Calhoun

Dillo day BOB with some BYOB you know what it is

Leave a comment

This article was written by an actual drunk man and left unedited for effect. There are days in our lives when greatness is thrust upon us.  There are also days wehere we drink a shit ton of alcohol and have fun  Guess which one dillo day is?  Hint I uncle jose cuerva making a visit.  So today is chill and all with all the bands.  The new pornographers were surprisingly clothed.  I mean can you pronographize (the verb of pornography)

Read more Drunk Dillo, Local, No. 61

Everyone’s Favorite Pokemon Trainer Elected as ASG Vice President

Leave a comment

EVANSTON – The Northwestern University student body recently elected Austin Young as 2011-12 President of the Associated Student Government (ASG). Young ostensibly garnered many votes because of his chosen running mate, the popular Ash Ketchum of Pallet Town. While Austin vocally supported policies including better communication between ASG members and the implementation of systems designed to make students’ voices heard, Ash ran on the platform of dissolving the Team Rocket fan club and allowing all students to select Pikachu as

Read more Local, No. 56, Politics

Sex strike on Politicians in Belgium. Senators turn to mistresses.

One comment

BRUSSELS – Belgium has faced a political deadlock that has been going on for eight months. In a flash of ingenuity, Belgian Senator Marleen Temmerman called for a sex strike imposed by the wives of the politicians until agreements start getting reached.  At first there was confusion as to whether this pertained to all forms of sex (including oral, anal, and nasal), but upon clarifying that it includes everything up to a quickie handy, the men decided to finally take action.

Read more No. 53, Politics, World

Winter’s Bone First Porno Nominated for Best Picture

One comment

Winter’s Bone: 2/4 star-shaped pasties Winter’s Bone tells the story of a teenage girl trying to find her daddy to save her house. Yeah, thats right, who’s your daddy, girl. Great start. Then some shit happens and a cop comes. This is where you expect it to start getting heavy, right? Nope! Instead of ripping off his uniform and taking her “downtown,” he just warns her that her dad needs to show up to court.  Ok, so when’s the winter bone going

Read more Entertainment, No. 51

Dillo Day Issue: Dillo FAY yeahBut like regina spector

Leave a comment

By An Actual Drunk Man* So its been a great dfay. It’s been fucking difficult trying to login to write this ariticel.   I mena so what if my password was wrong the first threew times shouldnty i still be able to use my free speech. Its the first ammendment.  I shall not be silenced by the password code.  What was i writing abouyt?  of yeah dillo day.  Dydude we dont evewn have any armadillos here .  ity should have

Read more Drunk Dillo, Entertainment, No. 37

Deepwater Horizon Point-Counterpoint

Leave a comment

We All Need to Do Our Part to Save the Ocean By Dr. Floyd M.F. Jenkins British Petroleum, more commonly known as BP, caused a terrible accident this month when their oil rig malfunctioned and began leaking.  This is a new breed of oil spill — while earlier incidents (such as the Exxon-Valdez disaster) had a finite quantity of pollutant that was confined to the contents of a tanker, here the oil supply is basically limitless.  This leak, which has

Read more No. 36, Opinion

Obama to Decide Between Dredd and Fudge

WASHINGTON—As John Paul Stevens has announced his decision to retire in the near future, President Obama must choose a new justice to replace him. His two current options lie in the very efficient Judge Dredd and very delicious Judge Fudge.  Judge Dredd had over twenty years of experience in 2000 AD Comics from a place called Mega-City, while Judge Fudge had experience being a judge for one “power hour” every Saturday morning on children’s television in the 1970s and has

Read more No. 34, Politics

CW to Make Show About Pretty White Girl with Problems in Big City

Leave a comment

HOLLYWOOD—The CW has announced that come this fall they will air a new show called My Problems, a sitcom about a rich white girl placed in a new environment. The creator hinted at plot points including the main character meeting mostly white friends with one minority represented, one of her male friends turning out to be gay, and a tough decision between two gorgeous men. Nicole Gottlieb, a CW spokesperson, remarked: “We at the CW felt that we didn’t have

Read more Entertainment, No. 33