Professor Recognizes Student’s Canvas Introduction from Tinder Bio
“Here for a long time, not a good time”
Author Archives: Jared Baas
20 Years After Recess Tag Ending, Local Woman Remains “It”
“I can’t go out in public anymore. People scatter away from me like I’m a shark in a school of minnows, or as if I passed gas on the rush hour train.”
Local Man Poses as Cardboard Cutout for Three Months to Infiltrate World Series
“The trick is to sit real still and not breathe too much,” describes Bregman, who claims he wanted to get the authentic ballpark experience without the hassle of paying for tickets or obeying pesky federal guidelines. “I got used to not breathing when I pretended to be dead so my kids could claim life insurance,” he said.
New York Jets Dominate Next 4 Games After Realizing They Were Holding Playbook Upside-Down
The New York Jets of the National Football League are gaining increasing media attention following their sudden four game winning streak against some of the toughest teams in the league, which came after they figured out the playbook needed to be flipped around. Following rumors that NY Jet’s head coach Adam Gase would be removed in the event of another team loss, the ever-scheming playcaller knew he had to whip up something special before taking on the 2-2 Arizona Cardinals.
Freshman Outruns Coronavirus in New Back to School Light-Up Skechers
“Once the lights start blinking, it’s a warning to predators and pathogens alike: don’t mess with the Thermoflash.”
Students Gather to Shoot the Shit, Survive Methane Explosion
Chunks of a plastic Port-A-Potty were strewn across Sheridan Road after students decided to meet up and shoot the shit to decompress on a Friday night.
Child Disintegrates after Disgruntled Mother Confiscates Her Hydrogen Atoms
“The whole thing really started when she called me a moron. I thought fine, if that’s so funny I’ll just take your boron”, said Mrs. Brantley with a chuckle, who has a dual degree in chemistry and poetry.
Ask Flippy: The Walmarts I’m Buying Keep Mysteriously Burning Down, How Do I Get a Property Loan?
They say that if you give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day, but if you purchase a local Walmart franchise you effectively own all the fish within a two-mile radius.
A Look Back: 15 Years Later, Poop Still Funny
“Fifteen years later, Dr. Parks has officially earned his doctorate in scatology, or in layman’s terms, the study of poop.”
Forgotten Freshman Survives on Allison Dining Hall Second Floor by Eating Class of ’23 Shirt
Police investigators breathed a sigh of relief last Tuesday after discovering Beinen freshman James Chavez in the second floor loft area of Allison dining hall, surrounded by scraps of the purple Class of 2023 shirt that he had consumed in order to stay alive. “We found the student heaped in the corner shirtless, experiencing extreme indigestion from eating his clothing,” said Special Investigator Linda Forsythe, who headed the search team that was formed after Chavez’s Peer Advisor Ryan DeShields noted