“It Would Be Really Fucked Up if Our Backpacks Had Nerve Endings” States Local Philosopher
“Imagine what it would feel like to have, like, six months’ worth of crumbs inside of you.”
Author Archives: Ilana Arougheti
DJ Moondog Sued By Estate of Famed Canine Cosmonaut Laika
“As it stands, Moondog’s face is a disgrace to the entire space race.”
Girl Promised “Hamptons Vacation” Shocked When Sugar Daddy’s Prius Pulls Into Hampton Inn Chicago/North Shore
When the car showed up, it was just his son dropping off the Prius after tennis practice – and I started to get really worried.
Lonely Flappy Bird, Older Now, Waits Hopefully for Owner to Reopen App After Four Years of Solitude
He has also been practicing his speed and acrobatic skills, the agent reported, just in case the reason you left him was because he wasn’t good enough at flying. The bird swears he’s better now, even though he’s developed grey feathers and cataracts, and will be so much more fun to be around if you would just start visiting him again.
BP Reveals New Seasonal PR Tactic: “We Wanted To Bring Hanukkah To The Fish”
“There are about 9 million types of ground-up whitefish in your standard Gefilte,” said new company spokesperson Benjamin Cohenbaum-Goldsteinfarb. “I’m sure at least a few of them live in the Gulf, and I’m sure at least a few of those are Jewish and would appreciate some free supplies to celebrate the festival of lights.”
Op-Ed: I can’t rewatch Pitch Perfect anymore without envisioning the Barden Bellas being that one a cappella group echoing into the night from Kresge
The scene where the new a cappella recruits dance in the amphitheater is replaced by visions of upperclassmen belting off-key by the Willard piano. The Riff-Off just makes me think of prime time at Norbucks.
Slutty Ibuprofen Bottle Must Have Been Passed Around The Whole Third Floor Of Bobb By Now
The bottle had never tried anything like this before college, it said.
Local Mobster Can’t Believe You’re Asking Him If He Stole 4,500 COVID Tests On The Day of His Daughter’s Wedding
“Authority. Betrayal. And super-spreader events.”
Former PBS Kid Goes Wild on Election Night, Tries Processed Sugar
Raised on a steady diet of Curious George and hand-cut carrot sticks, Montessori reportedly decided to turn to the sweet relief of processed, chemical-laden sugary snacks as a management tactic for his election anxiety.
Campus Police Record All-Time High Violations of Girl Code During Rush Week
Campus police report that girl code infractions have spiraled beyond the brave forces’ physical and emotional capabilities.