Northwestern Recognizes Martin Luther King Day Just 13 Years After Utah
Author Archives: Dean Meisel
Pablo Sanchez Inks Multi-Million Dollar Deal With New York Yankees
BRONX, NY — Pablo Sanchez, the childhood baseball phenomenon made famous by Backyard Sports, has signed a seven year, $150 million dollar deal with the New York Yankees, who won a historic bidding war for the now grown-up star. Sanchez has shown unparalleled talent since he was a mere two inches tall, and could be the most promising rookie prospect in decades. “Pablo has defied logic by not only competing with major league stars, but destroying them since he was
Freshman Girl Just Wants to be in a Sorority Already
LIKE, EVANSTON — Freshman Jackie Parker like, really felt a connection with Lambda Lambda Lambda today. She doesn’t know, like, call her crazy, but she could totally see herself being a Tri-Lamb. Don’t get her wrong, like, she loved a few of the others, but she just felt an immediate bond with the girls there. And plus they’re, like, super pretty. But please don’t ask her about recruitment cause it’s sooo annoying and stressful and she just wants to talk
Area Jews Celebrating Christmas Shocked Holiday is about Jesus
Many Jews are utterly confused on how to celebrate the holiday. Instead of the traditional honey-glazed ham dinner and nice family time around a warm fire, Jewish families have been sighted going out for Chinese food and airing their grievances.
[NU Spork] The Stoner Soufflé: A Delicious Munchies Medley
This medley of common foods found in dorm rooms is the perfect remedy to your munchies if you’re too high to make the trek to Cheesie’s or remember that Jimmy John’s delivers. I guarantee that this recipe will get you the maximum enjoyment out of getting baked without actually baking.
Fraternity Holds Intervention for Brother Suffering From Sex Addiction
EVANSTON — The members of Theta Eta Zeta fraternity held an intervention this week for their brother, Cameron Cordell, who is suffering from a chronic sex addiction. “Cam has the curse of being the man at everything he does, and regrettably this applies to sex,” said fraternity president Wesley Timmons. “We need to be with him in this time of need.” The brothers called a meeting last week to sit down with Cameron, and let him know what they were
Big Ten Looks to be Even Shittier with Addition of Rutgers, Maryland
PARK RIDGE, IL — Over the past several weeks, the Big Ten conference conducted talks with perennial bottom dwellers Rutgers University and the University of Maryland about adding them to the conference and making a 14-team league. This week, negotiations have concluded, and both Maryland and Rutgers will be joining the conference by 2014. “Big Ten football teams did a great job of fucking up this year by losing to almost every non-conference opponent we played, but it’s not enough,”
Study: Slim Majority of Americans Pleased With Election Results
Obama Implores Americans to Temporarily Halt New Jersey Jokes
HOBOKEN, NJ — This week, after Hurricane Sandy flattened the Jersey Shore, President Obama kindly requested that Americans stop making “Jersey” jokes for at least a week. “Out of respect for our fellow citizens in this time of crisis, I implore you all to stop making fun of New Jersey. Stop making fun of their terrible and confusing highway system. Stop making fun of the fact that the only thing in Newark that’s growing is the crime rate. Stop making
Northwestern Feels Awkward Asking Seth Meyers to Come Two Years in a Row
EVANSTON — The six Northwestern students who actually watch Around the Horn rejoiced when the university named J. A. Adande to lead Northwestern’s 2012 Homecoming parade. “This is an event all Northwestern students look forward to, and I could not be more honored to reveal our Homecoming Marshal as… shit, what’s his name?” announced President Morton Schapiro earlier this month. The announcement culminated a long and often frustrating search for an important public figure. “Do you think we’d be coming