Area Homeless Man Dons Dance Marathon Bib, Earns Enough to Move off Street
In the past three days people have put over $2000 in his cup, shouting words of encouragement such as “Dance for the kids!” and “Do it for Joseph!”
Author Archives: Dean Meisel
Illinois Barely Passes Obvious Fucking Bill
Despite being the clearly rational thing to do, Illinois is only the 15th state to realize the proposed bill had no effect on the people opposing it, and that it provided its supporters with basic, equal rights.
Ted Cruz Filibusters Wife’s Board Game Night Decision
Senator Cruz touched upon the Socialist implications of randomly distributing cards to the players and having a equitably rotating judge pick a card based on its humor or applicability.
British Tour de France Winner Really Excited About Royal Baby
PARIS, FRANCE — Chris Froome, the recent champion of the 100th Tour de France, was reportedly ecstatic to receive news of the birth of His Highness the Prince of Cambridge on Monday. Froome, who won the month-long, 2,100 mile bike race by the largest margin since 2005, hurriedly raced to the finish line in the last stage to see if Kate had delivered the baby yet. “I can’t believe the royal baby has arrived! What did it weigh, half a stone? Wow.
On-Campus Diversity Discussion Effectively Ends Racism
EVANSTON — Student groups including ASG, Alianza, and the Diversity Club held an open forum on the topic of diversity last week that has successfully ended any acts or thoughts of racism on the Northwestern campus. “This is just a massive relief for everyone on campus. Racism and ignorance have been such divisive issues here, and I’m glad that because we talked about it, we don’t have to worry about it anymore,” said ASG President Ani Ajith. Students all around
Congress Responds to Boston Explosions: “We Need More Bombs”
WASHINGTON — Congress acted quickly following the explosions that claimed three lives and injured many more at the Boston Marathon, resolving that the only way to fight against a bomb threat is for every person to have a bomb themselves. The bill that passed into law easily through both the Senate and the House legalized the possession of bombs by any American citizen over the age of 18. “Bombs don’t kill people, people kill people,” said Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas). “We need
Class of 2017 Holds Most Diverse Group of White People in NU History
“This is truly a remarkable feat by our admissions office, and I couldn’t be prouder of the group we assembled,” said Christopher Watson, Dean of Undergraduate Admissions. “We have new students hailing from the suburbs of Miami, New York, Los Angeles, and Chicago.”
Dennis Rodman Mourns The Loss of Lifelong Friend Hugo Chavez
CARACAS, VENEZUELA — Former NBA star Dennis Rodman teared up earlier today during a press conference, revealing the deep personal connections he had with the late Hugo Chavez, the former President of Venezuela. “I’m at a loss for words right now,” Rodman said between sniffles. “I used to travel to Venezuela every summer so Hugo and I could play golf. He was a great leader, and more importantly a great friend.” Chavez and Rodman’s relationship was based on a deep
Smash Mouth Shocked to Find Someone Actually Follows Their Facebook Page
New Sorority Freshman Gains “Pledge Baby 15”
BOBB SECOND FLOOR BATHROOM — Following a Pledge Mom week filled with candy and cookie surprises, Omega Tau Mu freshman Courtney Fields found herself staring at the bathroom mirror, moaning and sobbing. All week, Fields posted pictures of her awesome gifts to Facebook all with captions such as, “LOVEEE my Pledge Mama whoeva you are <3!!!” Recently, however, Fields changed her tone, posting a picture of her love handles with the caption, “Fuck you.” Her recent weight gain has really