Norris Center Staff Shoots Child for Using Non-Norris Center Chalk on Sidewalk
“Tragic, but ultimately, this is the price we pay for security.”
Author Archives: Diego Guerrero
NHL Draft Takes Father’s Precedence Over Son’s First Call Home in a Month
Now enter the local Wildcat’s dad. Who has the goddamn nerve to call the house on a Tuesday night? His son!
Mung Chiang Ranks as “Second-Best Chiang Considered for Northwestern President” (Kai-shek)
Similarly to how the Heavenly Sovereign Schill was only the 18th pick to run Northwestern, Mung Chiang was seemingly not the board’s first pick this time either. In fact, another famous Chiang was the preferred option. Who was that Chiang? None other than Kai-Shek.
Op-Ed: Honestly It Shouldn’t Be That Hard to Avoid Eleven Bread for Eight Days
First of all, what do they mean when they say “eleven bread”? Eleven pieces of bread? Eleven slices? Eleven baguettes?
Perry the Platypus Sees His Shadow, 6 More Weeks of Nefarious Scheming To Come
Just earlier this year, the mad man’s antics included creating
a device that would disable all electric vehicle batteries and force commuters to overload
Danville’s poor public transport systems, brainwashing pigeons into stealing people’s jewelry
and bringing it to him, and infecting the city’s water supply with cholera.
Millions Realized They Were Deceivemaxxed As Clavicular Forced To Gymcopemax After Being Auramogged While Benchpressing, Cortisol Spiked After Framemogg Nuked By Gymratmoids
You can imagine the dismay I felt when I saw Clavicular having to gymcopemax after being auramogged by gymratmoids for only benching 135lbs.
From the Archives: Flippy’s Mischievous but Good-Hearted Sidekick, Jumpy, Killed in Firefight with Vietcong Forces Outside Saigon (1968)
Flipside can now confirm that Jumpy, Flippy’s mischievous sidekick, was among the 10 Americans killed in the early morning hours of February 3rd, 1968.
US Agrees to Sell Saudi Arabia Advanced Cruise Missiles with Warheads Small Enough That They Only Kill Specific Yemeni Children Rather Than the Entire School Bus
The missile allows for extremely precise targeting, which is crucial where the mission calls only for one or two children on board a school bus to be killed.
Dick Cheney Begins Search for Saddam Hussein’s Hiding Spot in Heaven
This story will be updated as the hunt for Saddam Hussein’s spirit continues.
From the Archives (1355): My Lord Spoke to Thy Lord and he Said we Need to Hookup to Save Our Two KingdomsÂ
My Lord, the most gentle Prince of all the realm, spaketh to thy Lord and, upon hearing his reply, made note that we are instructed to hookup in order to save our Kingdoms from the heathen invaders. Thy Lord’s message was most clear, our two shires may be separated by many a mile and rivers flowing, and may be bitter foes of ancient times, but we must put aside our respective differences to unite our forces and beat back the