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Author Archives: Caleb Young

Jeff Sessions Recalled to Santa’s Workshop Unexpectedly Early

November 11, 2018 Caleb Young Leave a comment

In a surprise move, the White House announced Wednesday that Attorney General Jeff Sessions had resigned to return to his seasonal gig at Santa’s workshop. In a statement read by Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, the administration called Session’s departure “regrettable but necessary.” The statement lamented that the Christmas season is starting “earlier and earlier…like, its not even Thanksgiving but CVS is already playing Michael Bublé tracks on repeat.” Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein spoke Thursday about the personal impact

DNA Test: Warren About as Diverse as Northwestern Student Body

October 24, 2018 Caleb Young Leave a comment

A DNA test recently revealed that Senator Elizabeth Warren is between 1/64th and 1/1,024th Native American, making her about as racially diverse as Northwestern. Junior Karla Driver was comforted upon hearing the news. “I think it’s important to have politicians who make wild and unsubstantiated claims to Native American ancestry,” said Driver, whose A in her freshman-year Gender and Sexuality Studies class entitles her to comment on most social issues. “We need politicians to look like a classroom on this campus:

Morty Confused Why He Can’t See His Pediatrician Anymore

October 21, 2018 Caleb Young Leave a comment

In a rambling speech on Tuesday, University President Morton Shapiro admitted to Northwestern’s Board of Trustees that he’s not really sure why he can’t keep seeing his pediatrician. “I just felt like I had a special connection with Dr. Tottles,” Morty lamented to the confused room of trustees, who thought they were getting a speech about the university budget. “Every time he would put one of my little hairs under his microscope and tell me he could see AND in

Fraternity Brother Already Has Pretty Good Idea Who Won’t Come Forward at Least 35 Years From Now

October 17, 2018 Caleb Young Leave a comment

“Sometimes, it’s important for philanthropists that people keep quiet about their good deeds,” Neill told reporters after completing a keg stand.