Clare Roth | Northwestern Flipside

Author Archives: Clare Roth

[SEVENTH GRADE ISSUE] Middle-school clique misses entire point of Mean Girls

February 14, 2011 Clare Roth Leave a comment

[by Cla4732] In a terrific display of sarcasm malfunction, Evanston Middle’s most famous clique, insipidly self-named the Deadly Sins, failed to understand the moral behind Mean Girls and undertook the task of making every mistake the titular characters did. After watching Mean Girls for the 9th time following the dance and the requisite hour of IMing boys, the girls decided to model themselves after the characters that the creators of the movie intended to portray as horrible people. Kelsi (Wrath)

Girl Vomits on Phi Psi; Second Hate Crime of Halloween Eve

November 10, 2010 Clare Roth Leave a comment

EVANSTON—In a shocking display of prejudice, Ashlee Jones, Delta Zeta sorority sister, threw up on the front steps of Phi Psi’s fraternity house Saturday night. Jones, who was dressed up as “sexy Big Bird,” consumed three Jello shots at Delta Upsilon, five Natty Lights at Pike, and one “something fucking delicious” at Lodge. “This was obviously an attack on Phi Psi. She didn’t get the alcohol from us. Her stomach contents were her metaphorical pen, hate her message,” said Phi Psi

SafeRide Considers Name Change after Three-Fatality Crash

November 3, 2010 Clare Roth Leave a comment

EVANSTON – In an unprecedented move on Monday, the president of SafeRide announced that the organization was considering a name change after one of its vehicles T-boned a minivan, killing two of its own passengers and the driver of the other car. “Safety obviously isn’t part of our image anymore,” said Michael Grossman, the president of the organization. While numerous apologies and public statements have been made since the accident, this is the first that denotes any change in policy.

Haiti Clears Rubble; Shockingly Finds More Rubble Underneath

October 27, 2010 Clare Roth Leave a comment

Chilean Miners Surprised to See Humans Have Yet to Evolve

October 20, 2010 Clare Roth Leave a comment

COPIAPO, CHILE—Chilean miners were taken aback last Tuesday when they emerged from the mine to a world almost identical to the one they had left. “To be honest, we were imagining a Planet of the Apes scenario. At the very least, we assumed people would have evolved past the point of chinstrap facial hair,” Jose Rodriguez, the second miner to emerge, said. The miners listed the economic crisis, the Gulf Coast oil remnants, and world hunger as problems they couldn’t

Bro Accidentally Correct in Calling Rainbow Week “Totally Gay”

October 12, 2010 Clare Roth One comment

EVANSTON—In an unwitting display of complete factual accuracy, a McCormick senior proclaimed that Rainbow Week was “gay” on Friday. Chad Block, a mid-forward on the Ultimate Frisbee team, was examining a Norris bulletin board when he made his truthful declaration. “Man, how gay is that shit?” he said to Joe “Broseph” Leibowitz, a senior rugby hooker. Leibowitz was shocked. He commented that this is one of the first times he’s seen Block use vocabulary correctly. “He’s not so good with

Hobo Calls Big Bite Night “The Best Thing Ever”

October 6, 2010 Clare Roth Leave a comment

EVANSTON—The City of Evanston’s annual restaurant fair attracted all types of foodies Sunday. Among them was Lucas Rogers, area transient, who praised the event as “totally awesome.” Rogers, who usually sets up camp outside the Papa John’s on Clark and Benson, left his post this Sunday to take six separate trips around the neighborhood for the event, hitting various stations with and without his hat to appear like a different person. “I admit, it’s a change from my usual fare:

ZOMBIE ISSUE: Zombie Frat Busted for “Menu” in Basement

November 18, 2009 Clare Roth Leave a comment

Delta Upsilon, a predominantly undead frat, was busted earlier in the week for having a full wall in their basement dedicated to girls they had “dined and dashed” on. This wall assigned points to the most gluttonous eaters who had “hit” the most girls. The frat assigned points to each girl they had eaten or planned to eat, setting goals for larger girls that took more perseverance to eat, and red-headed girls, known as “gingers,” that were less attainable due

Freshman Cynic’s Oddly Specific Prediction: “They’ll finish Sheridan the day zombies take over the world,” Comes True

November 18, 2009 Clare Roth Leave a comment