Morty To Become Fourth Jonas Brother In Order To Reduce Debt
At press time, Morty had reportedly compiled a list of potential stage names for himself, with the frontrunner being “Mo Jonas”.
Author Archives: Christopher Li
Frozone To Guest Star In Frozen 2
“The current plan is to establish a romance between Elsa and Frozone. Then, they’ll both appear in Toy Story 4, in preparation for the big crossover movie we’ve slated for 2022.”
Op-Ed: I Won’t Watch Captain Marvel Unless She’s Smiling The Whole Time
Sure, she’s a brainwashed, amnesiac alien soldier fighting an intergalactic war, but would it kill her to smile once in a while? The liberals are really pushing their feminist agenda here and it’s making me sick.
Post Malone Ascends Beyond This Plane of Existence After Showering For The First Time
“I never thought this would happen, dude,” lamented Burt McDover, who looked after Post Malone’s head lice. “Posty said he just wanted to try taking a quick shower because all his buddies did it every day. It’s the newest trend, you know?”
Wildcat Geogame Forces Free Pizza on Geography Nerds
“Pizza, on the other hand, is far too vulgar and plebeian a food to satisfy my intellectual desire. “
Thanos Defeated After His Homophobic Tweets Resurface
“Relationships should be perfectly balanced between a man and a woman. Anything else defies the natural order of things,” read one tweet. Another read “Seeing homosexuals struggle in society does put a smile on my face”.
Morty Tries To Cut SESP Budget, Surprised To Find It Doesn’t Exist
The School of Education and Social Policy, or SESP, is the latest Northwestern institution to fall victim to the recent wave of attempted budget cuts. However, President Morty Schapiro was shocked to find out that SESP does not have a budget in the first place. In an official statement, Morty expressed his disappointment in light of this startling turn of events. “Not gonna lie, I’m pretty bummed. I was hoping to cop at least a few thousand,” he admitted. “I