Area Senior Swears this Dillo is the Dillo He Finally Gets Laid
Cornelius will have an uphill battle ahead of him—that is, in addition to losing his virginity, he also has to talk to a female for the first time.
Author Archives: Chris Bucci
Origami Club Folds After First Meeting
It is possible the club may never get the chance to stretch its wings, but instead have them be kind of crumpled and uneven. A few days ago, NU Paper Airplane club lodged a formal complaint with ASG, citing their exclusive monopoly on all organized paper-based folding activities.
Frat Parties to Now Include Tide Pong
A speed round begins with a 911 call for an ambulance, usually by a bystander or referee. The two players then attempt to sink as many pods as possible before the medical team arrives, with the loser answering the door.
Area Magician Confused Why He Keeps Making Girls Disappear
Magicians, who often have to skip high school dances in order to hone their skills, have historically struggled to gain any sort of interest from women.
Area Loser Learns He Can Masturbate Without Crying
“There I was, just going through the motions with my tear bucket and picture of Melisandre from Game of Thrones, and somehow I just started playing the skin flute without anything coming out! Of my eyes that is.”
Every Time Samantha Bee Says Her Name, It Gets Faster
Critics of the night’s events argue that Bee went for the classic “meme over theme” approach, in which she used repeated meme usage over any actual writing, effort or skill.
Turns Out Club Penguin was Muslim
Thanks to a team of crack investigators, reporters have heard directly from inside sources that, in fact, Disney-owned Club Penguin is Muslim.
SPAC Closed on MLK Day, Hundreds of Leg Days Ruined
In addition to cancelling classes, many buildings across campus were closed, including the Henry Crown Sports Pavilion and Aquatic Center.