North and South Campus to March Under Same Flag at 2018 Dance Marathon
The last time the two campuses marched under the flag was while doing a lap together at the 2007 Relay for Life.
Author Archives: Carolina Alvarez
Report: Your Boyfriend Cheated On You Because He Has ‘AND’ In His DNA
After years of grueling research and testing, these researchers were thrilled to discover that the high rates of infidelity in male students on campus was due to the gene, and not just their shitty personalities.
Freshman Wakes Up as UChicago Transfer After Mixing Antibiotics and Tequila
“I think I blacked out somewhere around my sixth Tequila Sunrise, and by the time I whited back in, I was sitting in a classroom inside this really gothic-looking building. All the students around me looked dead inside. I later found out I was in a Particle Physics class at UChicago.”
The Rock Is Tired of All These One-Night Stands
Students have been advised to ask the Rock out for a cup of coffee or a nice dinner before taking things to the next level.
Class of 2021 Dance Song to be Penny Whistle Solo from ‘Titanic’
It has also been rumored that the board may be holding auditions for a penny whistle player the lead the army of awkward and purple-clad freshman onto Ryan Field during halftime.
Sexiler Not Having Sex, Just Watching Gossip Girl
“The first time he locked me out and I tried opening the door, he yelled ‘don’t come in!’ with an alarming amount of panic in his voice, so I naturally assumed he was in there with a girl.”
Area Freshman Still Not Sure Why Nancy M Cunniff Keeps Emailing Her
Freshman Savannah Grant told reporters she has been receiving unsolicited e-mails from a mysterious ListServ for over four months now.