From NUKES to CRU: A Transformative Quarter
Growing up with hippie parents in a nudist commune in rural Argentina, Holmes had no experience with Christianity.
Author Archives: Calvin Anderson
Santorum Pulls Out
“This isn’t the first time in my life that I have pulled out,” he said. “In fact, I believe that I have become an expert at judging when to pull out.”
Jeb Bush Shoots Someone, Does Not Get Away With It
After his atrocious loss in Monday’s Iowa Caucus, Jeb Bush reportedly decided to take a move out of Donald Trump’s playbook and shoot somebody. Bush, however, did not get way with it.
Sorority: We’re Not All White
“We look at all of the candidates equally and without regard to race.”
Freshman Returns to Find Room has Been Turned into Sex Dungeon
After years of what Turman’s mother referred to as “boring, missionary sex,” she was finally ready to “take off the mom jeans and put on the edible underwear.”
Mayor Tisdahl, Newt Gingrich Match on Tinder
According to multiple sources, Evanston Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl and former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich have matched on Tinder.
Area Student Enlists Dad as Wingman
Faced with the possibility of dragging his loathsome virginity into the third month of college, Thompson requested that when his dad comes for Family Weekend, he brings his game.
Fitz to Ride Live Wildcat in Homecoming Parade
“A clerical error was made, causing too many people to be assigned to the main parade convertible. Someone needed to be removed. Considering last week’s result against Michigan, Fitz was the obvious choice.”