âItâs like she used this tired gimmick to distract us from how self-isolation is deteriorating her mental health,â said her classmate Darrell Jamison, RTVF â22. âThe propeller looks pretty funny, but Iâm not laughing. Iâm concerned.â
âWhite Male Discussion Section Confidence,â better known on the street as âthe devilâs advocate,â surfaced on Northwesternâs campus right around midterm season and has spread like wildfire.
âIâve never seen anything like it,â said surgeon Liam Docter. âWe gave him enough anesthesia to paralyze a horse, but he just kept telling us that health care was a human right and that the current market did nothing but feed the pockets of fat executives.â
âFrom day one, we wanted to create a Dillo Day for everyone,â said Bailee
Golden, Mayfestâs Diversity and Inclusion chair. âHaving the multi-lingual Duolingo owl as our âethnic opener,â if you will, is going to ensure that this Dillo isnât just for privileged English-speakers.â
In situations where she might find herself saying, âyouâll never guess whoâs going to be on the Main Stage this year!â or âGuys, I have literally wanted a Ferris wheel on the Lakefill since I was born,â she now just stands there without making a peep.
âFree speech white college kids may strive for, but much larger problems there are for us green-folk. Yes, hrmmmm.â
According to witnesses, Kushberg called for a brief recess in the Passover seder, then grabbed a bowl of bitter herbs from the seder plate, rushed to a dimly lit area behind the temple and took a bitter herb hit of Biblical proportions.
Imperfect Produce, the company that saved millions of fruits and vegetables that donât conform to traditional fruit beauty standards from a life in a landfill, is back again with a new product. The company announced the release of âRude Riceâ earlier in the week. âOur new Rude Rice may not be as friendly as your average rice but we can guarantee that it tastes just as good!â said Imperfect Produce CEO Ginny Rice. However, those who have purchased Rude Rice
 âItâs the perfect plan, really,â said the IFC president. âThereâs nothing frat guys like more than cutthroat competition. I canât wait to see them tear each other apaaaart …with the goal of increasing female safety on campus of course.â
Studies show that this is the 7000thinstance in 2019 of a white man speaking on a topic with irrational confidence despite having little to no knowledge of said topic.