Despite similar shortages occurring last year, the organizing committee of Senior Week opted to maintain the status quo because of course they did.
Since initial trading began at the Chicago Board of Exchange two weeks ago, investors have flocked to obtain the wristband and despite the trading cap at maximum three bands per investor, the commodity is flying off the shelves.
Modeled after the historically sophisticated state security agencies in the Soviet bloc, the agency will focus on counterintelligence operations with a heavy focus on sabotage of political dissidence.
In a week where all flaws of Northwestern were glossed over, reporters of The Flipside were baffled to realize that nothing can smooth over the abyss of Associate Student Government. There’s no denying it: ASG outright sucks.
“Dubai has the largest ski resort in the region,” Sheikh Mohammed said. “We also have the resources and funds available to create essentially anything we need to host the winter Olympics.”
Various social networking services resumed delivering articles adorned with click-bait titles all pointing to gruesome human deaths in faraway places, such as “The 10 Best Mass Casualty Events You Missed During the Winter Olympics.”
“Have you seen Skyfall? No KGB, not even mention. No cabbage for my little girls. Now, I make Mother Russia happy, my girls get cabbage and no one dead. Perfect,” said Ilya Vladikov, a former KGB agent who now works as a freelance filmmaker/assassin.
“It’s just amazing that the Russians still can’t get the easy things right,” said Jim Kelley, a Denver Broncos fan who spent three hours stuck in Secaucus Junction following the conclusion of the Super Bowl.
The Flipside presents a list of what to expect from the ceremony, brought to you by a reporter who managed to get an illegal live stream of the ceremony.