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Jay Cutler Announces Early Retirement, to Pursue Dream Career in Investment Banking

April 3, 2013 Brian Earl Leave a comment

CHICAGO — Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler stunned the seventy people who follow the NFL in the off-season when he announced his retirement at a surprise press conference. “It’s time for me to move on,” said the disgruntled quarterback. “I’m tired of getting sacked by Clay Matthews and Ndamukong Suh. I’m tired of throwing interceptions. I’m tired of having my toughness questioned, of being called weak.” Cutler said he plans to pursue his other dream job. “Being a starting NFL

Obama Puzzled That Republicans Didn’t Compromise to Avoid Getting Exactly What They Wanted

March 5, 2013 Brian Earl Leave a comment

WASHINGTON — Sequestration began March 1 when Congress failed to pass any legislation that would allow the government to avoid the massive spending cuts. President Obama was reportedly “saddened and disappointed” that House Republicans did not meet his demands of a “balanced approach” of tax increases and spending cuts to evade the sequestration, especially since Republicans seemed to be “going Democrat” with their recent statements supporting gay marriage. Speaker of the House John Boehner said in a press conference, “What

Infographic: Temperature vs. Quality of Conversation

February 24, 2013 Brian Earl Leave a comment

The State of The Daily Northwestern

February 22, 2013 Brian Earl Leave a comment

Editors, Reporters, Photographers, Designers. I stand before you this evening to deliver The State of The Daily. Now, I must confess that I’m not on staff, but I did write one story freshman year, so I feel both honored and qualified to deliver this address.

[Nostalgia Issue] Your Starving Neopets Spend Your Neopoints on Food, Wheel of Fortune

February 13, 2013 Brian Earl Leave a comment

NEOPIA CENTRAL — Your Kacheek, Lupe, and Quiggle have raided The National Neopian Bank, demanding that the teller, a grumpy green Skeith, hand over ten thousand neopoints to pay for some food. Since you have not fed them in four years, your pets furiously went to Neopian Fresh Foods and purchased three leeks, a pteri kabob, and an apple juice for a total of 3,392 NP. Having satiated their hunger, your pets, named soccerKacheek1235, HarryPotterLupe-in, and MrQuigglekins, then decided to

No One Claims Free $300 Gift Card; QR Code Only Way to Access Prize

February 8, 2013 Brian Earl Leave a comment

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — A local internet start-up, Business Organization, Ideas, Solutions, and Energy, last week launched a marketing campaign that BOISE President and CEO Mark Thompson could only describe as “a complete and utter failure.” Thompson, whose company strives to provide “strategies, tips, and directions” to improve the efficiency and productivity of businesses worldwide, said his Marketing Intern, Billy Keyman, came up with the idea of giving away a $300 Amazon.com gift certificate as a way to drum up business.

Infographic: How Will Our Childhood Heroes Be Disgraced Next?

February 4, 2013 Brian Earl Leave a comment

Ray Lewis Reveals True Identity as Transformer, Kaepernick Only 49er Survivor

February 3, 2013 Brian Earl Leave a comment

NEW ORLEANS, LA — Super Bowl XLVII ended in terror when Ray Lewis transformed into a weird robot thing with laser-vision-death-Rays and wreaked havoc among the San Francisco 49ers. In the middle of the third quarter, with the Ravens down 34-7, Lewis stood up before the snap on a third-and-long, roared loudly, and revealed his true identity, Maximus Ray. According to eye-witness reports, Lewis’s helmet melded with his body, his brace for his torn triceps turned into a laser-gun, and

Senate Confirms Bagel as Secretary of Defense

January 20, 2013 Brian Earl Leave a comment

WASHINGTON — The Senate today confirmed a bagel as the nation’s next Secretary of Defense in a stunning show of bipartisanship. After it became clear that the confirmation of Chuck Hagel would be an insurmountable political obstacle, President Barack Obama nominated part of his breakfast instead. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada) stated, “While this bagel isn’t the ideal choice, it’s at least palatable to most members of the Senate. He’s bland, holding no controversial positions, and it is adaptable

Area Man Defriends Facebook “Friend” on Friend’s Birthday

January 19, 2013 Brian Earl Leave a comment

MILWAUKEE, WI — Milwaukee native George Waterson defriended his Facebook friend David Debbleby Monday night. Monday was Debbleby’s birthday. “I really don’t like David,” said Waterson. “I had actually forgotten we were still Facebook friends, but I guess he was just hidden from my newsfeed.” The two became Facebook friends in 2007, when both men were in the same group for a high school English project that involved a computer slideshow presentation, a speech, a short written report, and the