Author Archives: Brian Earl

National Spelling Bee Winner Celebrates by Eating Knaidlach

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BAYSIDE HILLS, NY — The 13-year-old winner of the Scripps National Spelling Bee, Arvind Mahankali, celebrated his victory by eating a bowl brimming with knaidlach, a type of dumpling eaten mainly during Passover, and the plural version of the Bee’s winning word. “I was so happy when I won,” said Mahankali, a cymotrichous1 boy whose wavy hair has captured the hearts of would-be spellers across the nation. “Knaidel isn’t even that hard a word. Did you know that last year’s

Read more Nation, No. 114

[Roaring ’20s Issue] Gary Saul Morson to Join USSR Studies Department

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EVANSTON — Northwestern University announced yesterday the hiring of a new USSR Studies professor, Gary Saul Morson. “We are pleased to be adding this brilliant, up-and-coming scholar to our faculty team,” said President Walter Dill Scott. Morson, who was born in 1895, received his Ph.D. from Yale last year before, purportedly, teaching in Pennsylvania. Safely within Cook County lines, Morson confessed to The Flipside that his job there was only a cover for his true mission: finding communist spies. “It’s

Read more Local, No. 113.5

Jurassic Park 4 Delayed Due to Cloning Technology Mishaps, Dinosaur Rampage

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HOLLYWOOD, CA — The producers of Jurassic Park 4 announced last week that the upcoming film is being indefinitely delayed until cloning technology makes “several large breakthroughs.” Patrick Crowley, one of the two producers, said, “This film is going to be groundbreaking. We’re going to use real dinosaurs, no more of that crummy CG-stuff audiences can so easily tell is fake. After only measurable success with the first films in the franchise, we knew we wanted to take 4 to

Read more Entertainment, No. 111

Whale Beached on South Beach, Best Day of Marine Biologist’s Life

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EVANSTON — A humpback whale washed ashore South Beach today and became beached when it could not move itself back into deeper waters. The whale remains on the beach now, but four Northwestern seniors who were playing volleyball at the time of the beaching responded quickly. They are providing continuous aid in order to keep the whale alive until the crane building the new music building can be requisitioned to lift the whale back into the lake. Weinberg senior Katie

Read more Local, No. 110

Wildcat Fan Congratulates Field Hockey Player for Her Team’s Success

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EVANSTON — When Bienen sophomore Kayla Toussmann found out that Emily DeGrout, her fellow sophomore and classmate in Italian 101-3, was on the field hockey team, she felt excited to be in the presence of such a successful athlete. “The field hockey team, like, never loses,” said Toussmann. “It’s the one sport our school is actually good at! When Emily told me, ‘Gioco a hockey su prato’—‘I play field hockey’—I was all like, ‘Oh mio dio! Questo è fantastico! Congratulazioni!’”

Read more No. 108, Sports

Prospective Student Surprised She Can See Chicago from Northwest Illinois

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WAUKESHA, WI — Jordan Stralisky was surprised to learn during Wildcat Days that the city of Chicago is visible from the Northwestern Campus. “We drove like three hours to get from Waukesha to Northwestern, and on the tour we saw downtown Chicago from just outside Norris. I had no idea you could see Chicago from Northwest Illinois!” Stralisky said. “I have family in Dubuque, so it’ll be great to be just a short drive from the Iowa border in case

Read more Local, No. 106
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