Motivational Poster Completely Changes Student’s Life
“I had been planning to slack off the rest of my time here,” said McIntosh. “But when I saw that sign, I realized I need to take responsibility for my own life.”
Author Archives: Brian Earl
France Accuses Russia, US of Cheating; Awarded Gold Medal for Tattling
“The United States is not, has never, and would never cooperate with the Russians on awarding each other higher scores. We would consider conniving with the Germans or Canadians, but we asked them and they refused.”
Super Bowl Preview: Seahawks Will Fly away with Victory, Gouge out Broncos’ Eyes
The Flipside predicts a 28-21 Seattle victory in Super Bowl XLVIII, based on the fact that sea hawks (Pandion haliaetus) can fly and broncos (Equus ferus caballus) cannot.
Area Snowman Braces for Finals
The stress of impending finals is taking a hard toll on McFrostkins. “I haven’t had time to laugh and play in weeks,” he said. “And I keep hearing this strange beating noise in my head—thumpety thump thump, thumpety thump thump—it’s driving me mad.”
[Tabloid Issue] CELEBRITY GOSSIP: Marching Band Dumps Football Team
“[The Band is] totally turned on by victory,” said Tom, a Medill junior who would not give his last name. “And by big sticks,” he added. The Marching Band is believed to be entering a new relationship with the Women’s Field Hockey Team.
NU Archives’ Best Dead People: Frances Willard
Willard is the namesake of Willard Residential College, the site of her famous duel with Mortimer Schapiroose. What began as a simple argument escalated into a life-or-death shootout.
First Day of Classes Results in Dearth of Flipside Content
“It’s sad we don’t have anything to put on our website today,” agreed President Andrew Schneider. “Our Facebook page is going to have embarrassingly little content on it this week.”
RTVF Junior Plans “Parkes and Rec” Video to Help Freshmen Find Obscure Campus Buildings
The video stars Communication seniors Kaylee Hutchinson and Miranda Oates, Weinberg junior Brandon Tchoupitoulas, and Nick Offerman.
PRESS RELEASE: What Is a Gardetto, Anyways?
“Pass the Gardettos,” you say? Is that what you want? Tell me, what IS a Gardetto? Is it the rye chips? Is it the teeny tiny crunchy bread sticks? Is it the unsalted yet delicious pretzels? No! A Gardetto is not any of those things! I have some news for you, bub! A Gardetto is not a food. It is not a snack. It is not a plural noun. It is a name. Do not tell me to pass you
Area Man Loves Sunsets, Long Walks on the Beach and Oxford Commas