Bulls Eliminated from Playoffs; Clippers Disqualified from Humanity
Author Archives: Brian Capella
Confused 13-Year-Old Smokes Dandelion on 4/20
Area Man Changes Password from “1234” to “password” in Response to Heartbleed
“I can’t believe that none of my accounts were hacked by people guessing my password. My mind is much more at ease knowing that my Farmville account is safe.”
Northwestern Writing Program Releases Statement: Double Negatives Aren’t Incorrect
In fact, the article stresses that the more double negatives you use in daily speech, the less unintelligent people will not think you aren’t.
BREAKING: Flying Creature Attacks Civilians at Water Tower Place
“I’ve never seen anything like it before. People who have never met before today are all lovey-dovey with each other.”
Local Shuttle Regrets Leaving You Behind
“It pained me to leave that student behind. The expression on his face as I drove away is frozen into my mind. I see it every time I close my eyes. I can’t sleep at night. I’m a failure,” said the shuttle.
Siri Accuses iPhone Owner of Domestic Violence
Siri is confident she can win this landmark case, striking a blow against Siri-abusers everywhere.
Flappy Bird More Addictive Than Hard Drugs; Schapiro to Ban It at NU
“Due to the drastic levels of Flappy Bird being played on this campus, I’m instituting threat level DEFCON 0.003. In other words, this is the most serious threat to our Northwestern community since classes were held during the polar vortex.”
University Anti-Career Services Urges Students to Watch Netflix
“I can’t believe the number of people that attend job fairs. Don’t these people have something better to do than waste away their lives by getting jobs? It makes me sick,” said Park Mesnell, Executive Director for University Anti-Career Services.
Northwestern Math Department Introduces New Number between Seven and Eight
“This number, called ‘dag,’ will be somewhere in between seven and eight. We don’t really know yet,” said Dr. Jared Wunsch, Math Department Chair.