Author Archives: Amanda Simmons
Area Man Loses Phone, Needs Numbers
NU Unveils Updated iPhone App, Enables Direct Chat With Morty
EVANSTONâNAGS (Northwesternâs Annoying Geek Squad) released NUâs iPhone app version 1.3333 (repeating) yesterday in order to fix bugs in the old system and add more student-friendly features. âOur first priority was to fix minor problems and glitches within the software. The most obvious error was an unfortunate spelling error in âLunt Hallâ on the GPS map,â said head developer Smith Bergman. âStudents also requested that we add âThirsty Thursdaysâ to the campus events calendar. I assume thatâs an ASG initiative
Fox News Report: Guido Fist Pump or Terrorist Fist Jab?
Disney Slays Mickey Mouse, Reveals Evil German Replacement
ORLANDO, FLâAfter announcing plans to retire its trademark cartoon, Disney unveiled yesterday its new icon, Mick Maus. A company spokesperson, Sven Britton, said the change is indicative of Disney’s shift in target audience from the family sector to surly teen-aged douchebags. According to Britton, Maus’s newly-penned back story details his past as a juvenile delinquent. “He wears a lot of black. He blows cigarette smoke in your face just because he can. Heâs generally the type of tool you take
1859 EDITION: As Carriage Costs Rise, Students Demand U-Buggy Pass
EVANSTONâChicagoâs Carriage Dispatch announced it will raise its prices three halfcents this month in an effort to remedy its debt. The transportation company had been hoping to be included in the federal bailout package, but the stimulus moneys were instead offered to South Carolina, who requested financial assistance with building a militia. âWe overextended ourselves. We dug too many dirt paths throughout the city and now we have to pay for them,â explained CCD Deputy Daniel Boone Heade, whose grandsire
President Obama Wins Flipside Readership Award
WASHINGTONâThe nation went into a state of shock last night after President Barack Obama unexpectedly was awarded the internationally-celebrated honor of âHaving Read the Most Issues of Northwestern Flipside.â Obama admitted he himself was surprised by the win, as he has never before read an issue of The Flipside. The president said he is deeply humbled by the award, but realizes he still has some reading to do. âTo be honest, I do not feel that I deserve to be