What Will We Find at the Bottom of the Fiscal Cliff?
Author Archives: Andrew Schneider
Jeremy Renner Selected to be the New “Daniel Craig”
HOLLYWOOD, CA –- Representatives from EON Productions announced today that following the release of the critically-acclaimed new blockbuster Skyfall, Oscar-nominated actor Jeremy Renner has been selected to take up the mantle of playing one of cinema’s most enduring characters, Daniel Craig. Longtime “Craig” producer Barbara Broccoli personally announced the casting decision, stating that Renner had been selected from a highly competitive pool of potential Craigs, and that she had carefully monitored his career trajectory since Renner came to her attention
With His Extra-Marital Affair Exposed, What Else is David Petraeus Admitting To?
Biden Accidentally Declares War on Iran
WASHINGTON — Vice President Joe Biden may have instigated World War III last night during a last-minute campaign stop at Georgetown University. The gaffe-prone politician was delivering a short speech encouraging students to vote when he accidentally declared war on Iran. “We’re still not entirely sure what happened,” White House aide Michael Howard explained. “One minute he’s reading from a prepared statement about the Founding Fathers and the next he’s assembling the Joint Chiefs of Staff to authorize a pre-emptive
Barnes & Noble Hacked; Thieves Make Off with 70 Dollars
Area Man Telling You How You’re a Propaganda-Spewing Sheep
FACEBOOK –- Following your decision to watch a Presidential debate and post a Facebook status in support of your preferred candidate, area man William Burton, whom sources indicate you dimly remember from your days in summer camp, has already left three lengthy comments on your original post detailing exactly how and why you are a propaganda-spewing shill for an illegitimate political movement. Burton began his tirade by telling you how “disappointed” he was to see you supporting a rival politician
NU Chemistry Department Loses Accreditation for Serving Ethanol to Minors
EVANSTON – Following NU Student Affairs’s decision to disassociate with Chabad House due to clashes over university alcohol policy, Northwestern’s Chemistry department has been stripped of accreditation following reports that ethanol was served to minors during a recent lab. Department chair Elizabeth Locke protested the decision, claiming that providing disciples with ethanol has been a “central tenet” of chemistry for centuries. Although Locke does not deny the charges levied against her department, she has attempted to assure administrators and parents
Study: World Really Fucking Depressing
EARTH – According to a recent report issued by scientific journals, current events periodicals, supermarket tabloids, internet bloggers, the Federal Reserve, and the US Department of Transportation, planet Earth is a really fucking depressing place to live. Drawing from a sample size of over 6 billion people, the report found corruption, narcissism, violence, and willful ignorance to be rampant without exception in every environment settled by human beings. Although these predispositions were only observed in approximately 23% of the global
“Total Coincidence” That Guitar-Playing Freshman Left His Door Open
Great Job Building up College into an Unattainable Ideal!
Hey there! You remember me, right? I’m everyone’s favorite killjoy; the name’s Reality. … I can’t wait to chat with you about overbearing midterms, the disappointing social scene, and your crushing feelings of wasted potential. I’ll even try not to laugh.