Northwestern Football Unionization Efforts Fall Apart in Fourth Quarter
Author Archives: Andrew Schneider
“The Most Dangerous Biathlon” Disappoints Spectators with Only Twelve Deaths
The event has an illustrious history dating back to the 1960 Winter Games in California, when Olympic host and US Vice President Richard Nixon personally wiped three names off of his Enemies List.
Sinkhole Opens under Corvette Museum, Satan Expands Car Collection
State of the Union Bumped for Sitcom Rerun
Head speechwriter Milton Hart has hinted at a possible cliffhanger ending that will leave a “fan-favorite” Cabinet member dead.
Norris Manager Unsure Where Ice Rink Starts
New FAA Regulations Rob Nation’s Pathetic Bastards of Only Opportunity to Subvert Authority
“Sneakily continuing to use our iPods after flight attendants kindly ask that we put them away is quite literally the only thrill of our lives. It is our sole opportunity for pretending that we have any modicum of power or influence, and such excitement derives exclusively from the act being forbidden.”
Brad Pitt Wins Accolades For Role of “Distracting Cameo” in “12 Years a Slave”
5 Horrifically Offensive Halloween Costumes You HAVE to See
We hope you can make it all the way through this gallery without smashing your computer screen in rage. These scumbags really are the lowest of the low.
Chicago Manual of Style Updates Guidelines to Include “No Ketchup”
Area Jews Try Not to Complain for a Day
“I’m trying really hard to show some restraint,” Goldberg continued, “but it’s not easy. I’ve been in a really grumpy mood all day since I’m fasting and I woke up with this weird ache in my back and shit, I’m doing it again, aren’t I?”