Class of 2014 Expelled to Make Room for Class of 2015
By no means can a Class of 2016 be allowed to apply, or we’re all fucked.
Author Archives: Andrew Schneider
Lawyer Watches Future Trophy Wife Take Her First Steps
CHICAGO – At a special gathering reserved for close friends and family, Chicagoland fixture Jakob Steinberg (of high-powered law firm Steinberg, Steinberg, and Bergstein) was blessed with the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to watch his future trophy wife take her first steps. 10-month-old Sophie Czerwinska, the young lady in question, was reportedly enamored with the 46-year-old lawyer, who has been close friends with her father Victor since grade school and has been having an affair with Victor’s wife Elaine for the past
Area Man Purchases Kindle, Forgets He Doesn’t Give Two Shits About Reading
Area Man Purchases Kindle, Forgets He Doesn’t Give Two Shits About Reading
Following Defeat, O’Donnell Relapses into Witchcraft, Masturbation
“Curiously, she tends to yell Obama’s name during both.”
French Protesters Waking Up Before Noon for the First Time Since They Last Rioted
MARSEILLE, FRANCE—French rioters, upset over proposed austerity measures that would see them working an additional 2 years before retirement, have taken to waking up at 10AM to prove just how serious they really are. “It’s all about the precedent,” 26-year-old government notary Paul Mailloux told me over a breakfast of freshly-baked breads and pastries as we sat down on the terrace of his high-rise apartment, enjoying the gorgeous view of Marseille’s famous Jardin des Vestiges. “If we give them a
Area Man Purchases Kindle, Forgets He Doesn’t Give Two Shits about Reading
EVANSTON—Evanston resident and self-described “gadget nerd” Eric Thompson spent nearly $200 on an Amazon Kindle today despite the fact that he hasn’t read a book in nearly three years. “I just feel like these things are the future of reading, you know?” Thompson stated from the couch in his living room. “These e-ink screens are all the rage now, and I feel like if I don’t buy one of these babies, I won’t be able to read anything when physical
Evanston Man Receives “Participant” Ribbon in Pipe-Bomb Building Competition
Germany Settles WWI Debt to Allies: “What other war?” asks Chancellor
BERLIN—This past Sunday, German Chancellor Angela Merkel held a special rally to announce that Germany’s WWI debts had officially been paid off, and her nation’s conscience could now rest easy. Raucous applause was cut short, however, when an aide frantically rushed onstage to inform Merkel that Germany had, in fact, been involved another major conflict since Armistice Day, 1917. “Why was I not told?” Chancellor Merkel reportedly hissed, as her supporters frantically began to murmur amongst themselves. “Did we win?
ZOMBIE ISSUE: Zombie Hunter Loves Meeting, Killing Celebrities
RENO, NV — Following the outbreak of a mysterious virus causing zombie-like symptoms in the infected, former bank teller Jack Manson has become one of many survivors to embrace the hot new career of “Zombie Hunter”, drawn in by the promise of action, glamour, and the increasingly likely possibility of disemboweling smug celebrities. “It’s abso-fuckin’-lutely awesome!” Manson exclaimed. “If you had told me just two months ago that I’d get to shove a shotgun into Bono’s mouth and tell him