Why Do Brits Love Their Royal Family? By Andrew Schneider Seems I can’t take three steps these days without someone running their yap about the royal wedding. It could just be that I consider myself a true American, with apple pie in my gut and cholesterol in my veins, but I have a truly difficult time giving any sort of a flying fuck about this wedding. Hell, I can’t even stand weddings for people I know, but for whatever reason
The Debate Team Deserves a Party! By Clare Roth OH HELL YES we gon’ party. (Like it’s our birthdays, gonna sip Barcardi like it’s our—wait, hold up those are the lyrics right? Yes? No? That shit was my jam back at the 7th grade parties) As you will see by the end of this debate, the answer is clear that we, the winning Northwestern Debate Team, should have a party. I’ll break it down for you. We never have anything
Hey, Chris, wassup? Excited to hang out later? Oh, Jesus, dude, don’t call it a fucking playdate- ’cause we’re not sixth graders anymore, that’s why! Huh, what’s that? Your parents won’t let you go to the mall by yourself? Jesus Christ, dude, we’re thirteen! They can’t tell us what to do! And we sure as hell don’t need them! Now grow some fucking balls, call your mom, and demand that she drive us to the mall! You need to be
As of press time, Barish is still trying to pick out a convenience store card that exactly expresses his true feelings.
TRIBAL PAKISTAN – Authorities recently revealed that a would-be Russian suicide bomber’s vest detonated prematurely in the outskirts of Moscow. The terrorist, who was scheduled to attack Red Square, was killed in her safe house after receiving an automated “Happy New Year” text from her wireless provider. In the following days, Al-Qaeda has launched a new PSA aimed at keeping their bombers’ phones where they belong: strapped to cases of PETN and ball-bearings. The new campaign, spearheaded by New York
