French Bed Bugs Arrive In Chicago: “C’est Incroyable! Eet Is A Pizza Baked Like A Pie”
“Zey have the most incroyable food here in Chicago,” said Camille, another bed bug found at an AMC.
Author Archives: Allison Rauch
Penguins of Madagascar Arrested on RICO Charges
“Moto Moto does not like the FBI.”
Chicago-Area Adult Happy Meals to Feature Slightly Used Carburetor, Malört Shot
“I can flip this shit no problem. But I’m saving the Malört shot for the goddamn Bears game.”
Anna Wintour Announces Next Year’s Met Gala Theme: “Fuck It. 90’s Taco Bell.”
We’re just going to nelky send 90’s Taco Bell,” Wintour announced, donning a pair of Taco Bell x DIFF sunglasses for the occasion.
Safe Ride Slay! My Car Was 20 Hours Late and Drove Me Into the Lake Kendall Roy-Style
I put in the call at 11:51 P.M. Friday night. Next thing I knew, it was 7:51 P.M. Saturday night.
From the Archives: Imhotep Chalamet Looked Sooooo Toned at the CowMonkeyTurtleDragonfly Awards
“The scarab-beetle black of the tunic really made his pale, malnourished face pop.”
From the Archives: Woe is Me! This Dreadful Winter Has Produced Puddles all Over Campus, But Alas I Have No Gentleman Suitor to Lay His Coat Over so that I May Pass
If only I had worn my green velvet dress to the residential college board’s Christmas party last winter – surely Archibald would have asked for my hand!
Insecure Cold Boyfriend to Purchase “Longer Johns”
“It’s like long johns, but longer”
Ask Flippy: I Want to Write a Novel, But I’ve Never Fought in the Spanish Civil War or Emotionally Abused a Woman. What Should I Do?
Never fear! Many authors who know nothing about women have written pages and pages about them.
Euphoria Season 2 Drops: “Honestly We Just Had a Lot of Rhinestones Left Over that were Going to Go to Waste”
“You haven’t seen that much color and sparkle since your childhood best friend vomited Superman ice cream all over the inside of a Claire’s.”