Area Man’s Cousin Knows a Guy
Local sources have confirmed that local student James Beach’s, WCAS ’19, cousin knows a guy.
Author Archives: Alex Moisa
Review Session Commandeered by Asshole Who Just Wants to Learn
During a review session for the Econ 202 Midterm, sources have reported that local asshole Jeremy Crack (WCAS ’19) commandeered the entire session.
Op-Ed: How Did My Econ Class End Up as a Dialogue on Women’s Reproductive Rights?
I just sat there in my chair, wondering how this happened and trying not to be labelled a gay-hating misogynist with a small penis for wanting to get back to the lecture.
Trump: I’d See my Daughter in Burlesque
“I saw a burlesque show at a Catholic fundraiser the other day, and it seemed like the perfect thing my daughter Ivanka could be in.”
Nate Silver Correctly Predicts Next One Book, One Northwestern
Sources have recently confirmed that FiveThirtyEight founder and famous statistician Nate Silver has once again correctly predicted which book One Book, One Northwestern will use for its incoming class of freshmen.
ASG Candidate’s Embarrassing Middle School Recess Footage Leaked
ASG Presidential candidate Mark Nox has announced that he would be suspending his campaign following the leak of an embarrassing Middle School recess video by an anonymous source.
Koch Brothers Fund ASG Candidates
Recent reports by the Illinois Election Committee have revealed that all of the candidates running for ASG President are being funded by the Koch Brothers.
Area Nerd Surprisingly Very Good at Role-Play in Bed
When asked about his role playing abilities in bed, Nosh stated that he got his abilities from hundreds of hours of Dungeons and Dragons, tabletop games, and live action role-playing.
Ben Carson Goes Fucking Crazy in Las Vegas
Carson was seen playing the slots, going to strip clubs, drinking heavily, and gambling away his entire campaign fund throughout his tryst in Las Vegas.
Area Virgin Grabs 19 Free Condoms
Losen has reported that since he asked a girl out for coffee on Valentine’s Day, he thought it was important that he was prepared for all possibilities.