Crowd, in Unison, Says “Nice” After A$AP Ferg Says 69
“It makes me glad to know that 69 is still a powerful unifying force to this day.”
Author Archives: Alex Moisa
Morty Still Waiting for Class of 2021 to Venmo Him for Hamilton Tickets
After waiting a year for the Class of 2021 to get back to him, Morty Schapiro publicly announced this week that he is still waiting on each and every one of them to Venmo him for the Hamilton tickets from last year. “Listen, I thought I was very clear in how this deal works,” stated a very disgruntled Morty, “I get the tickets, and you guys just Venmo me back the full $200 for your own. Our school is in
Vines Whale at Dillo Actually Just ETHS Student Looking to Cop Some Beer
The whale was reportedly seen going up to students, taking pictures with them, then asking, “you got some booze I can bum off you,” in the deepest voice he could muster.
“Lol, More Like Dildo Day, Am I Right” says Local Loser in Attempt to Pick up Chicks
Local sources have reported that area freshman Barry Danovar reportedly said “Lol, more like Dildo Day, am I right” at a local party in an attempt to pick up chicks last night.
Man Spends 30 Hours Reading Old Marvel Comics in Preparation to Criticize Infinity War
In preparation for the event, Johnson has read the entirety of the Infinity War series, the origin stories of every major character in the movie, and other Marvel comics relating to superhero teams ranging from the Fantastic Four to the Defenders.
Student Beaten to Death in Main Library After Opening Fifth Bag of Fritos
“The poor sucker should have recognized that by the fifth bag, people weren’t going to deal with it anymore.”
Magician Who Pulled Quarter From Trump’s Ear Named New Treasury Secretary
“Given Duke’s ability to generate money from ears, combine two rings into one, and materialize rabbits from his hat, he is overqualified for the position.”
Bike Lane Taken Over by New Hot-Shot Moped Gang
The city has been slow to act against the gang; Mayor Hagerty, when told of these demands, responded, “Huh?”
Pat Fitzgerald: Honestly, I Just Tell the Boys to Go Score Some Points, and Sometimes It Works
“I needed to find a way to make sure we won games,” Fitzgerald said, “and then it hit me, what would happen if we just got some points up on the board, and lo-and-behold, here we are today!”
Frats to Offer Drinkable Beer
“We think that by drinking Pilsner and Rauchbier, everyone will get to experience the exquisite taste of what fraternity life has to offer. It’s essentially an upgrade from piss to something actually delightful.”