Birds Fly Back South
âNorthwesternâs birds are some of the best and brightest in the schoolâs history, and if theyâre fed up with the cold, it may be best not to leave your Canada Goose back in Santa Barbara.â
Author Archives: Alex Kurland
Social Justice Warrior Refuses to Segregate Laundry by Color
“How could anybody honestly say that the different loads are âseparate but equal?”
NRA Sues Columbia for Using Trigger Warnings
The National Rifle Association decided this past Tuesday to file a formal lawsuit against Columbia University for their embrace of trigger warnings.
Self-Published Author Sells Exactly as Many Copies as He Expected
Self-published author and stay-at-home dad Roger Slate proudly announced this past weekend that his latest novel Long Live Louis King met his lofty goal of selling thirty-five copies.
Study: Your Ancestors Are Disappointed in You
Using ground penetrating radar, sensitive seismographic instruments, and a Ouija board, archivist Louis Diggs of the University of Your Hometown has confirmed that your ancestors are indeed rolling in their graves.
Substitute Teacher Opens for Bill Nye
At this point, the teacher exited stage left and reemerged to cheers as he pulled onstage a TV cart and played a Bill Nye show for the duration of her allotted time.
Porky Pig, Scooby-Doo Enroll in Speech Therapy
Although it is increasingly common for celebrities to undergo therapy or rehab, some bloggers have begun to speculate that itâs part of a Warner Bros. company policy to be more politically correct with its franchises.
Fraternity Inspires PED Testing for Dance Marathon
DM officials are investigating the serious possibility that last yearâs complete absence of fainting frat bros was due to blood doping and other performance enhancing drugs.
Canadian Baseball Fan Incensed by Cooperstown Decision
Canadian McGriff fails to make it into the Baseball Hall of Fame. Oh, no Canada.
NFL Pressures Cleveland Browns to Change Name
âThe word âBrownsâ simply has too many negative connotations. Itâs not just that the color is synonymous with dirt and filth. We donât want people to think that our league hates both Indians and Indians!â