Joan of Arc Was Seriously Lit
‘The Maid of OrlĂ©ans did what most teenagers do and lit up at least once, according to our historical data.”
Author Archives: Alex Kurland
Trump Bumps “Debates” Up List of Democratic Institutions to Destroy
Blaming an unfair system rigged by the nation’s 240-year tradition of majoritarian democracy, Mr. Trump has decided to move “debates” from their current place beneath “taxes.”
Kresge Built on Ancient Student Burial Ground
“Scientists have retrieved and identified approximately 150 people from under the building, as detected by the geological survey of the site, who died under the oppressive legacy of Northwestern founder John Evans.”
Multi-Millionaire Attributes Financial Success to Leaving Fifteen Percent Tips
“Leave the chauffeur 20% and you’re not only depriving yourself of yacht money, but you’re also depriving him of the chance to earn himself the dignity of honest work.”
Hillary Leaves Burnt Offering on the Tomb of Reagan
It has often been noted that Hillary is “likeable enough,” but struggles to inspire people with the shameless optimism and charm of Reagan.
Obama to Clinton: “I’d Look Fly” in Supreme Court Robes
Over the past few months, Obama has dropped Clinton not-so-subtle hints that he would like to be considered as her Supreme Court nominee once Donald Trump’s campaign sufficiently implodes.
Loser Spends Memorial Day Writing Essays He Should’ve Finished Saturday
As of 2:51 PM local time, Isaacs was preparing to “get shit done,” having just finished up the fifteenth different Pokémon Nuzlocke video while he was reading the play he was supposed to analyze for Wednesday.
Study: Theatre Majors Flammable
CLEVELAND – From the ashes of recent tragedy, a new study out of Case Western Reserve University seems to confirm the not-wholly-unexpected fact that theatre majors are, indeed, flammable. The experiment sparked national attention when it was first published in the journal Annals of Internal Medicine earlier this month, taking heavy criticism for its potentially discriminatory attitude towards ESFJs—as measured by Myers-Briggs—and for its possibly unethical potential for grievous bodily harm caused by combusting theatre majors. Working off preliminary data
Trump Drops Out Just to Fuck with Us
Surrounded by a haunted-looking Chris Christie, an ebullient Hillary Clinton, and several Miss Universe contestants, Trump began his speech by saying “Well, that was easy.”
Mother’s Day Perfect Time to Announce Gap Year
Instead of jumping off a bridge, jump into a new line of work and announce to your parents not that you’re an abject failure but that you need to truly find yourself.