Kellogg Renovation to Include Only the Finest Silks and Draperies
A tapestry depicting the crushing of a philosophy major’s dreams under the boot of market forces has already been put up in the faculty lounge on the third floor.
Author Archives: Alex Kurland
Professorless Students Waiting Five More Minutes Before Just Going Home
On pain of death, students must wait for five minutes for TAs, ten minutes for associate professors, and fifteen minutes for full professors before leaving.
NU College Republicans Finally Recruit an Ethnic
The group has managed to expand their membership in the latest round of mid-midterm-season recruiting by an unprecedented three new members, only two of whom were Anglo-American.
Student Decides Laundry Can Wait Until She Has Another Paper to Write
The chores that supersede laundry, according to multiple sources close to Ostfell, include watching Netflix, applying for summer internships that haven’t yet begun accepting applications, and rearranging her bookshelves in reverse-chronological order.
NU Father Holding Out Hope Son Declares Econ His “Real Major”
“Last Thanksgiving, his mother and I said that we would support him whatever he ended up choosing,” said the elder Isaacs before adding “but” and four reasons why economics is “just so much more employable.”
White Co-Worker: So, Uh, How About That Cubs Game?
After grabbing an unmarked yogurt from the company refrigerator, he knew he had to speak up against the injustice.
Area Student with One Earbud Out Hears Gossip About Himself
“I’m always paranoid that people will be talking about me,” said Steinhauer, who had turned off his podcast and was trying to make eye contact, “And it’s scary to think that I was right.”
Prospie Disappears in Tech, Building Will Not Erupt This Year
As of yet there is no plausible explanation for why the high school student has gone missing.
Winner of “Busiest Schedule” Competition Earns Sweet Release of Death
Kreinbihl clinched the competition by pulling a 52-hour Adderall-boosted “catch-up session,” much to the dismay of her housemates.
Ethics Probe: Ivanka Must Be Paid for Feeding Her Father Blood of the Uninsured
Once aware that Ivanka’s position was textbook nepotism and that she was feeding her father the blood of those less fortunate, the House committee was forced to publicly condemn their fellow Republicans.