Raccoons Break into Tasty Garbage with Their Little Hands
âThey were so efficient, the little rascals! They picked everything up, just like a person! But with the tiniest hands…!â
Author Archives: Arnold Johnsen
Area Man Cleverly Sneaks âMy Girlfriendâ into Anecdote
In a maneuver described by neutral observers as âmasterfulâ and âultra-smooth,â SESP freshman Jacob Banbury expertly slid the words âmy girlfriendâ into a quick anecdote he told his friends over lunch in Norris earlier today. âIt was sublime,â said one of those friends, Landon Trent, WCAS â20. âHe wasnât, like, making a big deal out of it. He just nonchalantly dropped in the fact that heâs getting some while telling an unrelated story about what he gets on his Subway
Area Student Demands Gluten
The instigator of Enrightâs ire was a platter of carrot muffins in the dining hallâs vegan section.
College Republicans Hastily Cancel Plans to Invite Milo Yiannopoulos
âWe would never have invited someone so intentionally divisive, with such regressive views on protecting children from sexual assault.â
Off-campus Student Considers Cleaning Fridge
âThinking of cleaning out the old fridge,â Orozco said in a 3:21 a.m. tweet. âWant to wait until the time is right, though.â
âWeâre Doing Our Best,â Says Administration that Provides Frats On-campus Housing
âSexual assault allegations in an on-campus residential hall are best handled with strongly worded campus-wide emails and whatever an âawareness workshopâ is.â
Roommate Counters Humidifier Purchase with Dehumidifier
âShe has every right to put a humidifier on her side of the room. Just like I have every right to cancel it out with a dehumidifier on my side.â
Sean Spicer, Author of To Kill a Mockingbird, to Speak at NU
The novel, which follows the coming-of-age of a Southern girl against a background of racial unrest, is reported by critics to have been penned by the late Harper Lee, but Spicer emphatically denies these claims.
Suspicious Alligator-Shaped Crate Arrives on Fraternity Doorstep
âIt could be booze. Or girls. Iâm not sure how to identify other types of stuff.â
Jaded Obama Shows up to Work in Sweatpants
âMany of my sources have commented on [the recent change]. One of them compared it to high school senioritis.â