Northwestern PHA Establishes Kappa Moderna & Moderna Moderna Moderna Chapters
“Have a crush on Dr. Fauci? Come watch some of his press conferences with us!”
Author Archives: Flippy
With 2022 On the Horizon, Some Think It’s Time to Start Planning For 2023
Musciato refused to answer why he required such an abundance of lemons for the year to come, but it was quickly made clear that he had an obsession with citrus fruits that perhaps overrode his love of mathematics.
Ever Given Leaves Suez Canal Swiftly After Northwestern Theater Majors Appeared on The Scene to Perform Avant-Garde Scene Study
The blockage presented a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity: an audience that physically could not leave.
Obit: Local Student Found Dead After Being on Hold with Residential Services About Mold in Bobb for 17 Hours
“By the time it went to voicemail sixteen hours later, spores were already growing out of her corpse.”
Insider Report: MTV Launches “Shrink Rap,” A New Reality Show Following Kanye West’s Therapist
Good news! This week, MTV launches a reality series following Kanye West’s therapist, giving fans a sigh of relief after despair following the Kimye divorce announcement. The show, aptly named “Shrink Rap” follows West’s therapist Dr. Shakur, a man adamant that he is not in fact Tupac in hiding. As a longtime friend of Kanye West, or Kanye as he lets me call him, I was able to interview Dr. Shakur under one condition: Kanye would accompany me. The notes
Op-Ed: I Will Be Suing Northwestern Because My Marriage Pact Didn’t Propose On Valentine’s Day
9:14 P.M. Wednesday. November 25th. I’ll never forget receiving that fateful email: “Your optimal Northwestern Marriage Pact match is…” When I opened the email, I initially thought it was a joke–I mean, we only had 69.420% compatibility! And I’d never even heard of this guy. I mean, “Chad Fratman”?? Sounded totally fake. But Chad messaged me almost immediately, saying, “Hey bby girl u got snap” accompanied by a picture of a really cute thumb in a turtleneck. So, of course, I immediately
The Gibby Effect: iCarly’s Return to Netflix Causes Increase in Wacky Hijinks, Tween Fatalities
A #shirtlessGibby trend has gone viral on TikTok with tweens imitating this war cry in varying degrees of undress and sweatiness. The trend has become so popular, some Gen Z scholars have even dubbed it “the next planking.”
Data Shows January 2021 Was Best Month for Mansplainers Since December 1999
Mansplainers were able to educate people on a vast range of topics including “what a riot really is,” “the legal nuance behind insurrection,” and “who actually controls the stock market.”
CW Announces Revamp of “Marmaduke” as Sexy Teen Drama
Upon hearing that the same Riverdale team would be handling all writing and production, head writer Timothy Prost fell to the floor and immediately burst into tears.
FDA to Approve Vaccine in Fun, Kid-Friendly Flavors Such as “Tootie Fruity Immunity”
“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” admitted Anthony Fauci in a joint statement with FDA director Stephen Hahn. “We’re not proud to be using Juul’s playbook, but damn, if they didn’t have a move or two in there.”