Author Archives: Flippy
Blue Team and Gold Team Play Football Game, Reports Area Girlfriend
EVANSTON—A team wearing blue uniforms and a team wearing gold uniforms played a football game last Sunday, according to SESP senior Cailey Rapp. “There was a bunch of running involved,” explained Rapp, whose boyfriend Ezra Dowd is a diehard gold team fan. “At one point, all the men in the room started yelling,” explained Rapp, “but I didn’t see what happened because I was busy texting my girls.” The dedicated girlfriend explained that her favorite part of the experience was,
Has NU Fraternity Hazing Gone Too Far?
Theta Sophomore: “No one has fertilized my crops in two hours”
EVANSTON—Alarmed when she realized that she had neglected her plants on the Facebook application “Farmville,” Weinberg junior Mary Kate’s frustrated screams were taken out-of-context after being heard in the quad. “No one has fertilized my crops in two hours!” Kate shouted angrily. A member of Phi Mu Alpha (Northwestern’s music fraternity) happened to be walking by the Theta house when he heard Kate’s exclamation. He quickly posted the quote as his Facebook status, starting a snowball effect that quickly lost
Terrorist Attack Cripples Detroit; Americans Indifferent
DETROIT—Terrorists destroyed the city of Detroit on Christmas Day. Not surprisingly, there has been very little outcry from the rest of the United States. In fact, Americans are rather indifferent to the event. Some even show signs of joy, describing the attack as a “Christmas miracle.” President Obama said Friday that this attack is possibly the best thing to happen to America during his presidency. “Detroit was holding America back from greatness,” the President said in a press conference. “The
Joan Rivers Impersonator Looks Too Human
Fall News Update
ZOMBIE ISSUE: Kama Cerebrum: Three Tips for Your Oral Pleasure
EVANSTON,IL — Let’s face it: it’s hard to get some good head these days. Even when you’re lucky enough to find one, it’s likely that the brain inside has been fermented by excessive alcohol consumption or turned mushy from too much television watching. But I’m here to help. I can’t guarantee you that there will be more brain in your world, but I can promise that if you try some of the tricks below, you will maximize your brain-eating pleasure. 1.
ZOMBIE ISSUE: Lack of Brains Ensures Safety of Jersey Shore Cast
MIAMI, FL — Much to the relief of Jersey Shore fans everywhere, it has been confirmed that due to the lack of brains to be had throughout the group, they will all most likely be safe during the zombie apocalypse. So will the people who watch the show. When asked how she felt about being able to survive the zombies, Snooki’s immediate response was, “Behhhhhhhh. Are any of them gorilla juiceheads?” Jwoww agreed, but was upset that the zombies would
Misspelling of Lunt Hall Leads to Indignation, Violence from Women’s Rights Groups
EVANSTON—A riot broke out on Wednesday the 11th as a typo in a local paper mistakenly misspelled the name of the Northwestern mathematics building, Lunt Hall. By accidentally substituting a single poorly-placed consonant for the “L”, writer Edward McGlonin inadvertently plunged himself into a tumultuous hell of incensed women’s rights groups, gleefully inebriated fraternity patrons, and everyone in between. When asked about the incident, McGlonin stated that “the low lighting [conditions] made the two letters look exactly the same” although