Mayfest: “We’ll Just Throw Drunk People in the Lake, OK??”
“After the event, we can just take a big net and scoop everybody into it. Just grab each person’s Wildcard information and send them home.”
Author Archives: Flippy
Gotta Go Fast: Animators Rush to Overhaul Sonic Movie in Month-Long Adderall Bender
“I’m already on Adderall because I have ADHD,” said animator Ryan Fogel, “But I started crushing and snorting it, and oh my GOD it’s so much better!”
NBA Referee Assigns Technical Foul To Pregnant Woman For “Hiding Basketball”
The NBA Playoffs erupted into chaos Tuesday after a referee dished out a technical foul to Claire Rogers, a pregnant woman in the stands, for “hiding the basketball.” The incident, which has already been deemed the greatest misunderstanding sincethe Salem Witch Trials, began in the third quarterafter an erroneous pass found its way into the stands. Sources report that as the ref turned his head, he noticed a round woman whispering to her stomach over and over. He immediately blew
Crushes and Confessions: @NUCrush allows Kyle from your Discussion Section to Sexually Harass you Anonymously
Some of Kyle’s posts include the time he described you as “thicker than a bowl of oatmeal,” or when he said he would “straight up smash [your] ass like Meta Knight.”
Mel Gibson’s Veggietales reboot to focus on how the Jews betrayed Jesus
Mel’s “singular vision” is making Veggietales into a series hyper focused on the way “those damn Jews sold out the King of Kings”.
Endgame Ticket Sales Plummet After New Multi-Factor Authentication Requirement
“The entire process is really very simple,” explained a confused Cinemark representative, “we just send you a notification through the Duo app, drop you an quick email, ask you to fill out a supplementary google form, and confirm your identity through carrier pigeon. Everything is for your own security!”
Nick Jonas Recieves Wedding Bill, Immediately Announces Return of the Jonas Brothers
As any divorced couple knows, a wedding isn’t all fun and games though. It is only natural for a couple to look at the mountains of food, hordes of dancers, and thousands of invitations–and then immediately look to their bank statements.
Film Student Disappointed by Mise-en-scène in Porn
“It’s become some cheap extraction of real images made into a product of subjective manipulation with reality! Who’s gonna fap to that?” remarked the first-year, who admits to having no issues with using the school wi-fi
No-Nut Government Shutdown Becoming More Impossible By the Day
“I thought it would just be a two week affair, but we’re on the verge of a full month now. If this goes longer than 30 days, I don’t know how I’m gonna hold up.”
It’s Official: R. Kelly Is Definitely Not Hosting The Oscars
For the time being, the Academy Awards will go on sans a host, demonstrating to audiences everywhere that the literal concept of nothingness is still preferable to R. Kelly’s presence.