Plex Out of Dinnerware Again, Encourages Students to Eat on Floor With Their Hands
Blood mixed with yogurt as students clawed and growled at each other over the food Plex employees were dumping directly onto the tile.
Author Archives: Flippy
“If you can read, you can do research” Posters Around Campus Discriminate Against Illiterates
You know, I can sound out words âcause of English 105, but for some NU students, this poster is like a punch in the balls. Itâs not a PC at all, bra.
Pessimistic Student Will Just Occasionally Yell âSafety Schoolâ At Visiting Ohio State
With the mighty Ohio State Buckeyes set to visit Northwestern on Friday evening, many students found themselves pessimistic, and in some cases completely resigned to defeat. But for one Medill sophomore, pessimism wasnât a barrier to doing what she loves: putting down her opponentâs intellect. âI know our odds donât look too great,â slurred Northwestern University sophomore Joanna Booth, in line outside of the student entrance at Ryan Field. âBut thereâs always a solution that makes us look really, really
Students Rejoice! Morty Announces Lakefill 2, Which Finally Connects Us Directly to Gary, Indiana
Thousands of students convened on the Lakefill Friday night for President Morton Schapiroâs much-anticipated mystery announcement. Said Schapiro: âAfter considering our budget allocations, we realized that we werenât putting enough towards our studentsâ mental health. Thatâs why weâre encouraging students to clear their heads with walk along the beautiful Lake Michigan; which will now be a nature-filled forty-three mile stretch. Go âCats!â Clamorous applause and cheering erupted instantly the moment Schapiro yanked the curtain off his scale model of âLakefill
Freshman Praying Willie the Wildcat Doesn’t Awaken Anything In Them
âI hate the Kansas State fans. They think their Willie is so great, but he doesnât even have fur.â He then added, âbut Iâm not a furry.â
Conversions to Judaism spike as Allison Kosher section rises in popularity
Foods deemed Kosher are prepared in accordance with Jewish law. Notable Kosher foods include locusts and human hair.
Freshmen From the South Feel That Theyâre Handling the Current Cold Temperatures Well
âI donât even own a pair of pants, unless my silk romper counts. But, once I get cold, I canât even feel my legs or arms anymore so itâs not too big of a deal.â
Margot Lee Shetterly Cancels Campus Visit After Admitting She Didnât Read Hidden Figures
âI didnât know if I was really supposed to read it or not.â Shetterly said. âBut then I started getting more and more emails about it towards the end of the summer and I kinda freaked out, so I decided to just not read it. Also, since when are books like 200 pages?â
Mayfest: “We’ll Just Throw Drunk People in the Lake, OK??”
âAfter the event, we can just take a big net and scoop everybody into it. Just grab each personâs Wildcard information and send them home.”
Gotta Go Fast: Animators Rush to Overhaul Sonic Movie in Month-Long Adderall Bender
âIâm already on Adderall because I have ADHD,â said animator Ryan Fogel, âBut I started crushing and snorting it, and oh my GOD itâs so much better!â