Alcohol might be the best thing on Earth. Mouthwash truly makes me feel something. It makes me braver, more confident, more mature, maybe even all grown-up like a ten-year-old. Maybe with alcohol, I can even face the Evil Dentist.
Northwestern libraries have added new amenities to the Engineering Library this quarter. Many students are familiar with the unconventional vending machines around Mudd, which include a smoothie machine and a laptop charger machine. The newest offering will be a methamphetamine dispenser, where students can use dining dollars to purchase a little lock-in aid.  All the library’s existing accommodations fuel students for long hours of studying, either through nutrition or a battery charge. This new machine promises an even more powerful
As is known nationwide, Northwestern is famous for its lively and off-the-rails party scene.
Inspired by Secretary of War Pete Hegseth and the Trump administration’s decision to live-stream the execution of Fort Hood shooter Nidal Malik Hasan, a twelve-year-old gaming Twitch streamer killed his cat this past Wednesday. The streamer, Timmy Longfellow from the suburbs of Omaha, Nebraska, runs a gaming channel called “TimmyLikes2Play,” where he often showcases his “epic Fortnite battle royales” for an average two-person audience. However, the recent news of a live-streamed execution made Timmy think about the way that he
An altercation on a FlyDubai flight from Dubai to Tel Aviv threatened to bring the plane down if not for the intervention of a representative from Northwestern’s Litowitz Center for Enlightened Disagreement. The Center’s assistant director, Ned Kumbaya, says he was en-route to Tel Aviv to “sort out all that stuff” when he heard sounds of a fight coming from the cockpit. “I rushed to the front of the plane when I heard some disagreement that didn’t seem very enlightened,”
Following the Cleveland Browns 3-1 start to the 2026 NFL season, their best start since 2021 and the first time the team has been in sole control of first the lead in the AFC North since 2014, quarterback Deshaun Watson attributed the team’s success to their attempts to give back to the community. “I’m a big believer in karma,” Watson remarked following the team’s 27-24 victory over their AFC North rival in the Pittsburgh Steelers. “I truly believe that all
Last Ditch will replace Luna’s Pub and Grill as another overpriced option serving students who are comfortable spending half their quarterly dining dollars for one meal. Last Ditch offers more than just food, though—it offers an experience. In addition to safe-sex vending machines, Last Ditch is part of Northwestern’s goal to help students have safe sexual experiences– or, as they repeatedly told the Freshmen, “good fucking sex.”Â
Johnson tried to help his grandma turn off the porn function of the chatbot, but as he walked through the steps with his aging family member, she kept receiving an error message, claiming that “Elon Musk forbids this action.”Â
Definitely-not-AI-generated hit song “We Are Charlie Kirk” by celebrated artist Spalexma will be featured on the 2027 edition of popular video game Just Dance.
Reporting from Tehran, Iran. Although the outbreak of war between the United States and Iran seemed destined to happen since the late Ayatollah Ali Khamenei came out in support of the full release of the Epstein files, less easily predicted was President Trump’s recent reversion to the Islamic Faith by reciting the Shahada on his Truth Social account. Not to be outdone, however, the new Supreme Leader of Iran and son of Ali Khamenei, Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei, publicly announced his conversion to Christianity by proclaiming